Mariners fail to get that Me Espresso, go to sleep against Yankees, lose 3-7

He’s working late/cause he’s a pitcher

If you have a Spotify account and ears, they have probably both been assaulted lately by the Sabrina Carpenter song “Espresso.” It’s so prevalent there are whole conspiracy theories about the label paying for play, as well as entire linguistic treatises dedicated to parsing whether “me” in espresso is functioning as an adjective (the Me brand esperesso) or if there’s an implied comma (it’s me, hi, I’m espresso it’s me). (Good luck getting that space in your brain back.) I personally find the song a little grating—specifically the tortured-to-Geneva-Convention-violations wordplay—but like many other commenters I am prepared to welcome our Song of the Summer overlord as a sign of the times and harbinger of warmer days ahead, the incessant insistence on its own ubiquity that is equal parts intoxicating and annoying.

“Incessant insistence on itself” is also a handy four-word summary of the entire history of the New York Yankees, and like Ms. Carpenter’s omnipresent bop, more annoying given proximity and mood at certain times, an outsized loss to the Yankees being one of those. Like the Big PR Machine driving the success of “Espresso”, today, the Yankees Machine worked as intended, albeit with a little bit of luck—the Twin Titans of Aaron Judge and Juan Soto each checked in with home runs, but each were two-run shots thanks to leadoff man Anthony Volpe reaching base twice, once on a swinging bunt and once on a ground ball with eyes. One could nitpick the location or pitch selection to Judge and Soto—a slider on the plate to Judge in the first that he ambushed on the first pitch, and a sinker to Soto in the third that was technically in the zone and not a bad pitch except Miller had allowed himself to fall behind 3-1, and pitching from behind to Juan Soto is about as good an idea as trying to cross Fifth Avenue by tricycle—but also, like, it’s the Yankees. They’re going to hit home runs, and specifically, those two will. Actually, to clarify linguistically in a way the architects of “Espresso” decline to, one home run for Judge, two for Soto, both accounting for five of the Yankees’ seven runs tonight.

Bryce Miller seemed a little extra amped tonight, up a full tick on his four-seamer and sinker and leaning heavily on those two pitches. For secondaries, he split the slider and splitter about evenly, but had more success with the slider as far as getting swings, although neither particularly returned whiffs. Miller was low on whiffs overall tonight, sacrificing that for weak contact, with just four strikeouts. He was also efficient with his pitches, at just 78 through six innings, unlike his Yankees counterpart, who struck out many more but also was out of the game by the sixth inning.

Despite striking out six times against him, the Mariners had opportunities against Yankees starter Nestor Cortes, with runners in scoring position in two of the first four innings. They ran up Cortes’s pitch count early, pushing him into the upper 20s in the first despite not recording a hit, and another lengthy inning in the second thanks to a leadoff Dylan Moore double followed by a walk to Ty France. However, the Mariners ran themselves out of that inning in hilariously vintage Mariner fashion, with Mitch Haniger striking out looking at a slider right in the middle of the plate and Ty France caught as the trail runner in an ill-advised double steal. The Mariners had another chance in the third ruined by Yankee Stadium deciding to hold a fly ball in for once, with Cal Raleigh striking out to end the inning chasing a changeup off the plate. No dream come trued it for ya here, Mariners fans.

With his pitch count in the mid-70s, the Mariners failed to deliver a fatal blow to Cortes in the fourth, squandering France’s second walk of the day with a three-pitch GIDP from Jorge Polanco to end the inning and keep Cortes at a mere 85 pitches. That trend continued into the fifth, with Haniger and Urías taking five total pitches to make two ground ball outs, delaying the appearance of the Yankees’ bullpen like the summer sun has refused to grace our Seattle skies this past week.

Unfortunately, Tommy Kahnle wasn’t any relief for the Mariners lineup, giving up hard contact to Julio (xBA of .770 on a flyout tracked down nimbly by Aaron Judge) but retiring Garver and Raleigh as well for another scoreless inning. Michael Tonkin gave up a leadoff single to Barry Bonds Dylan Moore and also a base hit to Mitch Haniger, who might actually catch fire if you attempted to recite the lyrics of “Espresso” to him (if forced to listen to “Move it up, down, left, right, oh/Switch it up like Nintendo” Mitch would drown himself in one of his ice barrels).

The Mariners did finally break through against the Yankees’ bullpen in the eighth, making some of that traffic on the bases pay off after Tonkin walked J.P. and Mitch Garver. Old Friend Luke Weaver came in and surrendered a Yankee Stadium Special Lite (HR at 13/30 parks, including T-Mobile) to Cal Raleigh, making the score 5-3.

However, any sign of life the Mariners offense showed was quickly snuffed out by Austin Voth giving up a two-run bomb in the bottom of the ninth to Alex Verdugo—the Sabrina Carpenter to Judge/Soto’s Olivia Rodrigo/Billie Eilish, IYKYK—putting the game out of reach and doing nothing to quell the lingering concerns about the Mariners bullpen, non-Muñoz-edition.

One of the irresistible parts about “Espresso”—other than its bubbly hook—is that it is a deeply Blonde work, perhaps our Blondest ever since the ancient days of Hanson. It’s something Carpenter plays up heavily in the video, blinking saucer-sized doll-blue eyes while flipping Barbie-blonde beach waves to a soft-focus Gidget-lite beach blanket bingo party. Everything about it is designed to make you think of carefree summertime days, a halcyon hazy past that you may or may not have ever experienced but yearn for nonetheless. It’s a lovely space, an effortless happiness, a place where you can not only rhyme “Mountain Dew” and “dream come true” but use them as verbs, but it’s a halo of light that’s drawn deliberately, by powerful forces. The algorithm keeps on algorithming and tonight the Mariners found themselves outside that light. They’ll wake up tomorrow morning and try again to write a pop hit, in the form of a surprising series win against the first-place Yankees.