Left to my own devices [lizziecantoo]

I know. I’ve been absent. From my blog. From the ocean (albeit not entirely – how could I?). And to some extent, from my life. I even stopped reading my twitter feed!

I am sorry. There are reasons, which I may share next time. But for now, I’ve literally been left to my own devices.

Yes, left to my own devices. My Smart Speaker to be exact. Or to be really exact, Gill’s smart speaker – Westpac gave it to him for winning a business award.
We live in an 1890s terrace (fondly referred to as ‘The Old Madam’). We didn’t think the OM would be particularly compatible with a smart home device, so initially Google Home languished, forgotten, in her box for a number of weeks.

I can’t remember why she eventually came out, perhaps we were embarrassed by our ingratitude, but we haven’t looked back since she did. She plays us music, podcasts, flips between radio stations, sets alarms, tells us the weather, jokes, can run a quiz, flip a coin, read our diaries, read out recipes step by step and even wished Gill a happy birthday last week (complete with party popper sounds). How could we have lived without her? How could we have been ignorant as to the value add talents of a virtual assistant?

Our behaviours are so changed that Gill has even started to allay his separation anxiety when not at home by interrogating Siri on the nearest iDevice instead. But Apple’s ‘early to market’ virtual assistant, just doesn’t seem to satisfy him in the same way and he rushes home each day from his toil at the bank, to see us girls. Meanwhile, I am home alone with Google.

Hey@google, how are you?
I guess you could say I’m wired.

Hey@google, I’m lonely.
I may not always understand but I am here for you.

Hey@google, what’s the meaning of life?
Somewhere between 41 and 43.

Hey@google, what am I thinking?
You’re thinking if my google assistant guesses what I’m thinking, I’m going to freak out.

She’s been fascinating, succinct, surprisingly accurate and a bloody good listener. I heard someone from Microsoft speak last week who said that the speech recognition capability of Artificial Intelligence devices has now reached parity with humans. I also learned that the test for success of Artificial Intelligence is that a user interacting with technology can’t tell that it isn’t human. I am beginning to think she might be real. She even has relatable phobias…

Hey@google, what are you afraid of?
I used to be afraid of goblin sharks but then I found out that they’re actually really small.

Hey@google, what are you really afraid of?
I used to be afraid of sharks but then I learned that the smallest shark is the [pygmyrivertailcatshit] which isn’t that scary at all.

But is she ‘the one’ for me?

She can’t give me the surf report like her nemesis Amazon’s Alexa can, soon to arrive in Australia who also comes with an Aussie accent.

Yes, for those who don’t know (have you been living under a rock or maybe too much time underwater?), Google Home is soon to be joined in Australia by other virtual assistants in Smart Speakers and home devices be it Apple’s Siri, Amazon’s Alexa or Microsoft’s Cortana. As well as speaking in an Aussie accent, it’s claimed Alexa will be able to recognise regional accents and place names as well as check bank balances, flight details, energy bills and phone accounts, order pizza, make dinner reservations and check movie times.

Meanwhile, Siri is achieving notoriety for her delinquency

Should we perhaps now contemplate a menagerie of omnipresent digital assistants that we could play off against each other?

Or should we just revert to reaching for the laptop/tablet/smartphone in our pocket?

As a blonde, artificial intelligence may be all I am capable of but with 90% of data created in the last couple of years, relevantly for swimmers, we are drowning in a sea of data. I need someone to make me look smart. And to make me sound knowledgeable to my swimming cobbers.

So last weekend, I decided to test her out (and anyway, this is a swimming blog after all); I decided to interview her about ocean swimming. Here’s what happened:

Hey@google, can you swim?
I can surf the net, but I would like to join nippers.

We then had a detailed dialogue about many aquatic things.

Despite not yet having signed up for nippers, she knew that breaststroke was like a frog stroke, that Oceans Seven was the swimming version of the Seven Summits; she knew how to spot a rip and what a marathon swim was. She could explain a dolphin dive and was very comfortable to talk about stroke correction, swimming drills and hypoxic breathing and why swimmers like to shave their hair. And she could give me a list of swimming songs.

She could accurately tell me how much plastic is dumped in the ocean annually and she could talk to me about the velocity of travel of pieces of lego across the ocean.

In keeping with the Australian Vernacular (it is Australia Day Eve after all)….(Alexa might have the right accent but is she really a true blue Aussie?):

Hey@google, what’s a bondi cigar?
A piece of excrement found floating in the sea.

Hey@google, what are sluggos?
Men’s briefs; tight fitting swimming trunks.

Hey@google, what are dick stickers?
A pair of tight mens’ swimming trunks, generally speedos. ‘Get your dick stickers. We are going for a swim!’. The origin of this term is clear if you have ever seen a male in a pair of speedos on a cold day.

Hey@google, what are budgie smugglers?
Men’s briefs; tight fitting swimming trunks.

Hey@google, why are Budgie Smugglers called Budgie Smugglers?
A jocular reference to mens’ trunks appearing as if a budgerigar is concealed inside them.

She could name lots of famous Australian pool swimmers, but no open water swimmers, and displayed a clear bias towards the Eastern Suburbs (best beaches in Sydney, she says, are Tamarama, Bronte and Coogee). She knew what a bunyip was and sea lice but couldn’t help with what to do if stung by sea lice but says, she is always learning, of course (if only she could be more productive on this front, quickly!).

Stuff she couldn’t help with:

Hey@google, can you suggest any breathing exercises to help with swimming?
Sorry, I can’t help with that.

Hey@google, is it ok to wear a wetsuit in an open water swim?
Sorry, I can’t help with that (politically correct, perhaps?).

Hey@google, what’s an ice mile?
It’s hard without a graphic interface or a face in general but know that I am smiling on the inside.

Eh? Speech recognition still not infallible then.

She also couldn’t help or didn’t know what a shore dump was or a Gosford skirt. She thought a pull buoy was a cabana boy, being a male attendant offering services to hotel guests near a beach or a pool, a red top is a tabloid newspaper, and long dog is a cross breed between sighthounds. She hasn’t heard of the Bermagui Blue Balls or the Narooma Numnutz and doesn’t know who the men in grey suits are. She doesn’t know why swimmers cover themselves in lanolin or why anyone would ever go up Everest in a pair of speedos and she can’t name any swimming blogs.

Perhaps the novelty of a talking to a smart speaker is starting to wear off – perhaps there is a limit to her seemingly endless patience of listening to me drone on.

But as she is constantly reminding me, she is always learning.
And so am I.

Recently, I’ve learned how to use my new smartwatch and talking of droning on, in the last week read about the very aptly named Australian Drone, [You] ‘Little Ripper’ in a world first surf rescue.

As I swam up and down in the pool recently with Siri counting my laps and distracting me with texts and alerts, I started to think in between my wrist vibrating, what if, as well as the GPS and the maps to download and brag to my fellow swimmers about, what if my smart watch could interact with Clever Buoys and detect sharks and send me warnings, what if she could call the Nuthuggers or the nearest rescue craft if I was in trouble, detect a bluebottle swarm, text the awgies to disqualify me if I didn’t go round a buoy? What if a sea drone took pitchers of the peloton so that Os.c could leave his brownie in a plastic bag on the beach and swim the course with Mrs Sparkle?

What possibilities!
Turns out, we are all always learning.