Overcoming the Unwritten Rules

Just about everybody hates the "unwritten rules" of baseball. The "Hey kids stop having fun, this is a business not a game," B.S. spewed by people who have a bat up their ass. The complaints of "disrespecting the game." Which means what? The game doesn’t have any feelings. So I had an idea to get rid of the Unwritten Rules:

Write them down.

Genius, right? If we can comprehensively write these things down there won’t be any unwritten rules.

Now I don’t actually have a grasp of all of the unwritten rules, but I figure I could make a start of it and we could crowdsource the rest. I came up with the following categories:

1. Don’t Showboat.
2. Know The Pitcher’s Code.
3. Always Try Hard.
4. Don’t Try Too Hard.
5. Rub Dirt On It.

Here we go

Don’t Showboat

Bat Flips

• No more than 1/2 rotation of the bat
• The bat must not go higher than the top of your head. (Sorry Jose Altuve)
• If you hit a walkoff, you must gently lay your bat down or you will be "Showing up your opponents." Nobody wants you to show up.

Running the Bases

• Running the bases with an invisible parrot on your shoulder is borderline behavior

Just reminded of how great Edwin Encarnacion's walking the parrot is: pic.twitter.com/WSe9QH1w4m

— Laura Mitchell (@medieval_laura) August 27, 2015

• Running the bases with either a real parrot or an invisible peacock on your shoulder is an affront to the game.
• If you have a real bald eagle on your shoulder, the other team must forfeit.

Other Rules
Only Carlton Fisk is allowed to vigourously motion for a ball to stay fair. That’s called "having a lot of little boy in you."

Are you Carlton Fisk? Some other old-timey white guy? Then play like a man.

Know the Pitcher’s Code

• Pitchers must enforce any of the above rules via beanings. if they don’t they are a pussy and don’t respect the game.
• The pitcher owns the inside part of the plate plus any part of your body that gets near it. You would think that pitchers would try to purchase the whole plate, but it was a slow free agent year.
• When a player on their team is hit, pitchers must retaliate by throwing at a player on the opposing team. The retaliatee should be roughly equal quality to the person who got hit.
• Only Roger Clemens is allowed to throw the bat at opponents and still stay in the game.
  Are you Roger Clemens? Some other old-timey white guy? Then don’t be a thug.
• If you are hit by a pitch, charging the mound is unacceptable. However, you must pretend that you want to charge the mound.
• Only Nolan Ryan is allowed to put someone in a headlock and punch them.
  Are you Nolan Ryan? Some other old-timey white guy? Then don’t be a thug.

Always Try Hard

• You must always hustle to first base.
• Don’t take the above rule too literally, especially if you are already on second.
• Diving head first into first base is not actually required, but you will always be praised for hustling anyway.
• If you are in the outfield you must pretend to be chasing an HR ball even if you knew it was long gone. Doing otherwise is disrespecting the pitcher.

Don’t Try Too Hard

If your team is ahead by 3 or more with only one at bat left you must not

• Try to take an extra base
• Steal a base
• Bunt for a base hit

• Try to score on a passed ball or wild pitch

• If the opponents pitcher is going for a no hitter you must not try to bunt to get on board. Don’t worry, this rule doesn’t kick in until after the third inning.

Rub Some Dirt on It

• If you get hurt don’t admit it until your play has made you a detriment to your team for weeks. Or until you need Tommy John surgery, whichever comes first.
• If everybody knows you are hurt, rub some dirt on it and pretend it doesn’t hurt anymore. Remember Grit is a type of dirt.
• If you get hurt diving into first base you already have dirt on it, and it’s too late. But you are still gritty.

That’s all I’ve got for now. To get rid of unwritten rules completely we have to write them all down, so please put your suggestions below.