Let’s guess what the Cubs put in their VR pitch to Shohei Ohtani

Chicago reportedly used VR to convince Ohtani to come to the Cubs.

Lots of teams got creative in their pitch to Shohei Ohtani. The Mariners sold their prospects off for international bonus money that they now have to use or lose, the Cubs opted for a more modern approach and used virtual reality. To each their own.

The Angels got Ohtani, but the Cubs and Theo Epstein reportedly turned to cutting edge technology to give Ohtani a look at what it would be like if he decided to play in Chicago. In other words, they made it weird.

Now that it’s obvious their recruiting methods didn’t push their candidacy into winning territory, we can think a bit more about how the entire meeting must have gone down. What does a virtual reality version of Chicago look like? How do you properly convey that Windy City feeling through tech? What moments did Theo make sure to include in his presentation to make absolute sure that Ohtani would want to put on a Cubs uniform?

Here’s what I think happened, and maybe why Ohtani decided that he would be better off in Los Angeles (or nearby, at least) rather than on the shores of Lake Michigan.

—-

Theo: Hello! Thank you so much for meeting with us and considering our lovely city, where we know you could have a wonderful career.

Ohtani: Thank you Mr. Epstein. I look forward to the presentation you’ve put together for me today, and how I could fit in in Chicago.

Theo: Great! To get started, I just need you to put this unwieldy and unattractive set of goggles on.

Ohtani: Wait...what? Every other team just used a powerpoint presentation and brought me food.

Theo: We’re cutting edge here in Chicago. So we’re going to do things a little differently with a virtual reality look at our lovely city. To really give you a sense of everything we have to offer, and why our players enjoy being a apart of this community.

Ohtani: Uhh....sure. Sure, fine. I’m probably not signing here anyway because you’re not a West Coast team but whatever.

Theo: What did you say?

Ohtani: Oh, nothing. Sorry. I was just commenting to myself how much I would like some avocado toast.

Theo: Great, I thought you said something about having basically made up your mind. Very well, let’s get started. The first thing we want to show you is what success looks like here in Chicago. This part of the presentation will put you on the field when we won the World Series last year. Look at all those adoring fans! Granted, we won it in Cleveland, so most of these fans hated us but just imagine if they were cheering. Imagine if you were on that field. Our field is cool too. It has ivy. EVERYWHERE.

And this is some footage of the parade. We’ve virtually inserted you into the celebration so you know how much our fans would love you.

[Cubs fan with an unbuttoned jersey and a backwards hat staggers to the front of the crowd yelling “OHTANIIIIIIIIII, YOU DA BEST MAN” as his beer sloshes on strangers all around him.]

Ohtani: Erm, yes this all seems very...realistic. Not quite how I’d picture it but...nice. I guess. The fans seem...enthusiastic? Is a word? I could use? Are they always that inebriated around the players?

Theo: See, I knew you’d love it! I’m not answering the drinking question and we won’t speak of it ever again. Let’s switch things up a little bit, and “introduce” you to some of our biggest fans.

[Eddie Vedder jumps out of a door in the clubhouse hallway and wraps Ohtani in a big virtual hug. “HEY MAN YOU SEEM COOL, A TOTAL STAR. You’re going to do so great in Chicago, man. It’s the best place.”]

Ohtani: Who was that weird and touchy man? He couldn’t possibly be a fan, right?

Theo: That was actually one of our most visible fans, he’s very close to the team. Name’s Eddie. Eddie Vedder. Lead singer of a little band you might have heard of called Pearl Jam. Not a Pearl Jam fan?

Ohtani: Oh...no not really? You said Pearl wh-

[Bill Murray starts singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” from the locker room. He has a sombrero on for no apparent reason and keeps switching in and out of a Donald Duck accent.]

Ohtani: Okay, this is all getting a little weird. These people are your fans? This isn’t a joke? I’m uncomfortable, can we focus on other parts of the city? Maybe what it’s like to actually live here? I don’t like to have a separate house for the offseason so I’d love to see more of the actual city and get a sense of what makes it so special.

Theo: Oh yeah sure. That’s fine too. If you play here we’ll tell Bill not to sit behind home plate during your starts. That’s totally fine.

Here’s what the city is like in the summer. It can get hot some days but the breeze off the lake is refreshing and you can find plenty of arts, culture, and places to wind down throughout the city.

Ohtani: Wow, this is really nice! It feels like I’m really by the lake too. That’s amazing. I could definitely see what it would be like to live here. One thing though, what is it like to live here during the winter?

[Virtual reality view switches to winter, blizzard kicks up, and wind off the lake sweeps virtual Ohtani out into the cold, dark water.]

Theo: Uhh... that wasn’t in our dry run of this VR system. Definitely wasn’t supposed to happen...why don’t we show you what the suburbs are like!? Those are fun! There’s trees and stuff!

Ohtani: You know, I actually think I’ve seen enough. I have to go meet with my new team... I mean my new best friends... I mean the Angels... now. Right now. No time for any more of this presentation.

Theo: We look forward to you coming to Chicago! We love you! You can keep the VR headset if that makes a difference in your decision at all!

Ohtani: Please let go of my hand and don’t contact me again. You are a very weird and intense man.

—

We don’t know for sure that the Cubs got too weird for their own good, but that’s exactly what happened, right?