My Dinner With Bochy [Mariners win over Rangers, 2-1]

What’s a million pitch changes between friends, especially when the Mariners win

EXT: A MANSION IN VIRIDIAN, TX. Monthly HOA fees cost more than your first car.

BRUCE BOCHY: [Welcoming in the SEATTLE MARINERS, who troop into the massive entryway suspiciously]

Hello, hello, welcome to my humble abode. Oh, the Field House? We got rid of that place. The air conditioning here is much more powerful. We get three, four birds a day caught in that thing. You guys like pigeon? Where’s Mike with the snacks?

[MIKE MADDUX appears with a tray of Lil’ Smokies wrapped in Kraft singles wrapped again in Wonder Bread and gently, but insistently, presses it beneath the chin of each player in turn until they accept a meat roll.]

I’ve arranged some entertainment for you all. Please, enjoy Patrick Corbin playing hits from his golden years.

[Corbin begins a long, mournful piano version of “God’s Plan” by Drake]

J.P. CRAWFORD: No, thank you.

[CAL RALEIGH and RANDY AROZARENA attempt to leave the yard, but are yanked back by DONOVAN SOLANO with an oversized vaudeville-style hook that generates an inning-ending double play.]

SOLANO: Don’t be rude to our hosts.

[The rest of the Mariners offense sits, enthralled, for five innings as Corbin plays seven different remixes of “Despacito”]

LUIS CASTILLO: [Attempting to carry the conversation as his offense has gone silent] So...uhhh...you guys like to fish? [Remembers he’s in Texas] Or hunt?

JONAH HEIM: [Busts into the room wearing last year’s Halloween costume with a Super Soaker full of pickle juice and sprays CASTILLO] TAKE THAT SUCKAS!!!! [To BOCHY] I told you I hated these guys!

BOCHY, beaming: Ah, yes. Very good, Jonah. We were all getting a little bored. Such a lovable little scamp.

CASTILLO, wringing out his hair: Yes, okay. You can have the one run but nothing else. I will allow nothing else to be squared up. Except for some reason I will walk the nine-hole hitter twice, which will somehow make this start feel worse than it actually was.

BOCHY, frowning, slams the lid down on Corbin’s piano. Enough. I want to hear something else.

CORBIN: But Skip. I had two on but two outs. And it’s literally the guy I got to ground into a double play the last time. Skip. C’mon, Skip, they still say terrible things about me in NoVa, let me finish the inning and keep these numbers climbing. [MIKE MADDUX cheerfully throws Corbin over his shoulder and walks him upstairs as Bochy waves.]

[HOBY MILNER wheels a catapult on-stage, buckles Solano into it, and presses the release button].

MILNER: Threat over! And here are another two outs. Now to just get the final out of my inning...

BOCHY: Good job. Now get out.

MILNER: But Skip! Remember how up in Seattle I kept these guys hitless for almost two innings after deGrom struggled with them? And then had another perfect inning against them in the series finale after they bounced Eovaldi after five? Remember how ugly those at-bats were? Don’t you want...more?

BOCHY, already signaling for ROBERT GARCIA: I won’t say it again. Look, how can everyone know how many nice things we have if we don’t show them off? And while we’re slowing down the flow of the evening, here’s my next-door-neighbor to sing “God Bless America” at you.

DAN WILSON, stirring awake: Well hey, if we’re going to have a shiny toys competition, I have this one:

BOCHY, getting increasingly angry: Fine, here is Chris Martin. [MILNER shrieks in rage from off-stage] Yes, I thought I was getting the Coldplay Chris Martin but then this guy showed up instead.

MARTIN: Please, no, Skip, they’re gonna—

[JORGE POLANCO bursts through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man]

[MARTIN, sighing]—pinch hit Polo.

POLO, whizzing around the bases: Wheeeeeee!

ROWDY TELLEZ: Once again I find myself accidentally important at work. Here goes.

MILNER: Ummmm so. I struck that guy out last time I saw him, and they wouldn’t even let him hit against me the other time. Just as a remind—[MIKE MADDUX appears, throws a carpet over MILNER’s head and drags him off-stage.]

ANDRÉS MUÑOZ: Oh good! I was getting bored after yesterday. I will even spot you a walk, because I am such a nice guy. Have you seen my cat? Okay, thanks for having us! This was...an evening!

[The MARINERS do their dance and leave. MADDUX pats BOCHY on the shoulder.]

MADDUX: We’ll get ‘em next time, Skip.

BOCHY: [Straightening shoulders] Probably. Prepare the deGromBot. And get Milner out of the dungeon.