The perfect new White Sox manager
... no one anyone else has named
There are tons of names being bandied about as possible new White Sox managers, mostly without consideration as to why anyone would want to work under a cheapskate, interfering control freak and an incompetent smiling guy who doesn’t seem to have any understanding of what a colossal failure he has been for many years.
That aside, let us look not at names, but at what should be the absolute requirements for the job, which will lead us to the one obvious perfect hire.
REQUIREMENT ONE — HE MUST HAVE THE STRENGTH TO ABSOLUTELY NEVER LET JERRY REINSDORF PUSH HIM AROUND
That’s easier said than done, of course, but it certainly eliminates anyone who has ever collected a paycheck signed by Reinsdorf or any of his minions. That includes all past White Sox managers, coaches, players, clubhouse assistants, announcers (shame that — putting him in the dugout would be a good way to get John Schriffen the hell out of the broadcast booth), be it in the majors or minors.
Could any of them have done the job? Quite possibly, but it’s not a chance we want to take.
But how to eliminate interference from the owner who thinks he knows everything? You do it by remembering the driving force of Reinsdorf’s life is not professional sports, but tax avoidance. All you have to do is convince him that the way to get out of paying any taxes at all is to not just stash money in the Cayman Islands, but to actually live there.
Would he fall for that? Given his greed, why not — he’d be Wile E. Coyote chasing a Caribbean Road Runner.
But will Reinsdorf concede control even if he’s in the Caymans? Of course not, he’s a total control freak. But the new manager will just have to pretend the Zoom connection is breaking up and he can’t understand the orders. Keep that up long enough and the new guy’s first season will be over, and will probably have been successful. Or at least a lot better than expected.
REQUIREMENT TWO — HE MUST HAVE NO HISTORY OR RELATIONSHIP WITH TONY LA RUSSA ... NOT EVEN A GLASS OF WINE
That eliminates not only alleged frontrunner Buck Showalter, but tons of others. The poison that is La Russa must be permanently banned from the White Sox dugout and all areas close by, a reasonable distance being 20 miles. The new manager should be willing to obtain a restraining order from a friendly judge if necessary. If the judge is a Sox fan, that should be easy.
The best case would be someone who confuses La Russa with Tommy Lasorda and thinks he’s dead, or doesn’t confuse him with Lasorda and still thinks he’s dead, but that may be too much to ask.
REQUIREMENT THREE — HE MUST BE SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T NEED THE JOB
That includes not needing it financially, and not seeing it as a professional step upward. The next White Sox manager must be someone who will accept the offer purely because he has the best interests of the team and the community at heart and is willing to sacrifice his happiness and reputation on their behalf.
Hard to find? Sure. But not impossible, as you’ll soon see.
WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE COULD MEET THOSE CRITERIA?
Fans. White Sox fans.
Not just any old fan, of course, It has to be someone with outstanding leadership ability, someone who will be respected by the players, the fan base, and many millions of other folks, someone who can understand all the intricacies of modern baseball research and analytics while also appreciating the game’s traditions, someone willing to listen to advisors but then take on the lonely position of making decisions himself and accepting responsibility for what happens.
It should be someone with great intelligence and communication skills, someone with ties to Chicago, someone with myriad connections among people who could help, someone who doesn’t have a job right now and so has time to study up on what he needs to know, someone with a good sense of humor and unflappable personality so he can survive the awful situation he’ll find himself in.
GEE, IS THAT ALL?
Almost, but for best P.R. shot purposes, he should be someone who looks good in a Sox uniform and signs a mean autograph.
HUH?
Witness:
BARACK OBAMA, REALLY?
You betcha. He’s a monster White Sox fan, and if he lacks anything in current baseball expertise, he’ll pick it up in a jiffy, and he has tons of former staffers to help him. And even Reinsdorf would have to lay off trying to take control.
Plus, he’d sell a ton of tickets, something that’s definitely not going to happen with any other choice, except maybe Taylor Swift.
Best of all, can’t you just picture the look on an umpire’s face when Obama comes charging out of the dugout (well, OK, quietly sauntering, but with a slight frown) surrounded by well-armed Secret Service agents? The Sox are bound to find a while lot of disputed calls going their way.
Barack Obama for White Sox manager. Spread the word.