REPORT: M’s on Verge of Signing Speculative Superstar

BREAKING NEWS: The Mariners are involved in intense negotiations, termed by GM Jerry Dipoto as, "Imminent. Rounding third base, and chugging for home — maybe even sliding head-first, unnecessarily," with a previously undisclosed star player, now reported by mlb.com’s Peter Gammons as, "No-fucking-body." In his report, Gammons quotes Dipoto as saying, "I truly believe we are already as good as we’re going to get this offseason, and that’s pretty dang neat," and, "Who even cares anyway? I’m out."

The Mariners have long been rumored to covet starting pitching, and nobody is expected to slot in as the #6 starter, but will also play center base and occasionally spell Kyle Seager in the field: "We really do need to get Kyle some more rest days."

More from Dipoto: "In talking with no-fucking-body, we really determined that nobody was really the right fit for this team. The passion, the grit, the moxy that they don’t bring will be invaluable to our club — invaluable in the sense that we didn’t put a value on it. Nobody’s veteran leadership wont provide a steady hand during the ups and downs that usually come with a long MLB season — but mostly downs, because we haven’t signed anybody." Dipoto added, "We won’t not have gotten better by pulling the trigger here and signing a player of no magnitude. And that’s exciting. We also feel like this is a really team-friendly deal. We came in well under market value for not a player who won’t reach free agency indefinitely." Of the club control, Dipoto says, "That was so important to us. Fans can really settle in and form a bond; nobody will be wearing a Mariners uniform for a long, long time."

Gammons reports that industry insiders are stunned at the M’s almost indifferent pursuit of nobody — a stark reversal of the tactics employed in the club’s pursuit of Shohei Ohtani. Though some GM’s around the league have questioned the impact nobody might bring to the club. When asked to provide a scouting report, one anonymous AL West scout offered, "Have you ever played wiffle-ball in the back yard? You know, ‘ghost runner on second,’ it’s like that, except he can’t score. Ever."

But Dipoto sees value where others may not be looking.

"This may not have been a blockbuster for a front-line player, but we really do feel that nobody brings a lot of intangibles. And I really mean that — he’s intangible. Where is he? You can’t even see him. That’s pretty neat."

MINOR LEAGUE NEWS:

Rumors continue to circulate that Dipoto is also feverishly working the phones to find what he terms the "Keystone piece to the puzzle," in a low-minors, light-hitting catcher who’s dad also owns a pizza parlor.

"We feel finding a player with great receiving skills, leadership, and the ability to handle a minor league pitching staff, combined with a good fall-back at the family business, is the cherry on top for this roster. Having a background in pizza, and pizza delivery should prepare him for a comfortable, if middling, career back in his home-town, in the likely event that his career in baseball is all but over." Dipoto added that the M’s covet players with "interdisciplinary and cross training backgrounds," and who can "deliver in 15 minutes or less or our pizza is free."