15 Questions I Have For My Teen About The Super Bowl As A Parent Who Has Never Watched One Minute Of Football
As a family, our claim to fame has always been our Sportless Status. No one—not myself, my husband, or my kids—has an interest in anything sports or sports adjacent. Our kids have never cared for team activities. We don’t watch televised games or attend live events. We don’t cheer for any team. And we have never watched a Super Bowl. It is a continuous source of distress for our sports-crazy Baltimore family.
But this year, things are about to change.
My daughter, now a preteen, has become tuned into the things her classmates like, and has been dutifully educating herself about football. Our family has been invited to a Super Bowl LX watch party, where we will be surrounded by teens who, unlike me, are there for more than the buffalo dip and know the rules of the game. So I plan to come prepared.
As a humorist, romance writer, and general menace, my daughter has grown used to my shenanigans (despite my firm stance that she is not yet ready to read my books). But she’s also at an age where she finds most things I say to be “cringe.” Therefore, I take my duty to be as cringe as possible very seriously.
With this goal in mind, I have prepared the following questions for my preteen ahead of Sunday’s Super Bowl.
- Who is playing?
- Which player is the cutest?
- Who are the captains of each team?
- Are any of these players rivals?
- Would you describe their rivalry as “heated?”
- What is a tight end? Is it the player with the best butt?
- What does a safety do? Just keep a lookout outside the rivals’ hotel rooms?
- You’re telling me there’s a play called the “tush push” and they’re not…never mind.
- What’s a position coach? Is it like an intimacy coordinator?
- Do you think there’s any chance Taylor and Travis will be here?
- Are any of these players going to be at Taylor and Travis’s wedding?
- Do you think there’s any possibility that the wedding will happen during the Super Bowl?
- How long is the opening act of the Bad Bunny concert?
- Do you think we have to watch the whole game, or is the first half sufficient?
- So when do the quarterbacks kiss??
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Lindsay Hameroff writes contemporary love stories that will make you laugh and swoon in equal measure. Born in Baltimore, MD, she now lives in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania with her husband and two kids. Her writing has been featured in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Weekly Humorist, and fan letters to Harry Styles. She is the author of Till There Was You, Never Planned on You, and Rewrite the Stars.