The Economical Tour de France Preview

So I mentioned my predicament in the Nats thread and, not to bore you, but I am in a hospital doing inpatient rehab in anticipation of being set free on the eve of the Grand Départ. I have been watching Unchained on Netflix all week. Life could be worse!

That said, the biggest limiting factor is neurofatigue (I prefer tired legs), and everyone —doctors, family, work colleagues, SBNation team — have insisted that I prioritize rest over such pursuits as generating content around the 2024 Tour de France. So I regret to say that I cannot preview the Tour this year OK fine, but I’m going to have to keep it brief. Therefore I give you... The Stroke Victim’s One Sentence Guide to the Teams of the 2024 Tour de France!

[Warning: my ability to distinguish reality from Unchained is tenuous at best. So if these previews read as the plot of Season 3, I apologize.]

Alpecin Deceuninck: Van der Poel is like Jasper’s on-bike sports-dad, showing him the way, giving him a hand up, weathering his outbursts. Making it all OK.

Arkéa-B&B Hotels: I like the strategy of bringing a classics lineup to the Tour, why sit back and just accept that this is a stage race?

Astana Qazaqstan: A “run it back with an ever aging Mark Cavendish” roster? Wow haha man, my brain really is struggling with the concept of time. Can you imagine if that were this year?

Bahrain Victorious: A lot of teams with few good options would kill to have someone as reliable as Matej Mohorič.

BORA Hansgrohe: They built a team specifically to stop Visma-LAB, and it could work. That’s the good news...

Cofidis: 50% of life is just showing up, right?

Decathlon AG2R: I know it’s hard to stick with a plan that didn’t work last time, but Ben O’Connor (4th in Giro) seems like he could have helped here.

EF Education - EasyPost: Richard Carapaz was one birth of a child away from a pre-Tour interrupting trifecta (illness after a crash). The stage hunters — Bettiol, Powless — will probably mitigate the damage though.

Groupama FDJ: Probably too soon for the Lennaissance, but just in case, lay off the post-race beers.

INEOS Grenadiers: I would venture a guess that Bernard Hinault’s favorite rider at the Tour is Tom Pidcock.

Intermarché - Wanty: A fiver on Hugo Page for a stage win. Any takers?

Israel PremierTech: Derek Gee is easily the most relevant cyclist IPT has ever brought to the Tour. Low bar, unless you were into the Froome nostalgia laps.

Lidl - Trek: Doubt Giulio Ciccone’s ability to get attention and even win something at your peril. Also looking for Mads vs Wout battle for Green.

Lotto - DSTNY: As to that last sentence, part of the calculation is that De Lie is here to prevent Jasper from rolling off the sprint wins.

Movistar: Is this the year they shed their image as the estranged uncle who shows up to Thanksgiving every year and nods off at the table?

Soudal Quick Step: Remco Evenepoel’s Tour debut is inspiring less confidence than the Cybertruck, but the real story is Quick Step bringing a GC team to the Tour at all. Not even hedging their bets with an emergency sprinter!

Team dsm-firmenich: Pretty frisky lineup circa 2018. Jakobsen is the only one for whom the bloom may not be off the rose, but the results are going in the wrong direction.

Team Jayco AlUla: Can we just ponder how wild the two-up Yates Brothers escape was in Bilbao last year?

Team Visma Lease a Bike: A year after the greatest grand tour season ever, their luck running out seems inevitable... that’s cycling. Now watch Jorgenson make the podium.

TotalEnergies: I’m on doctor’s orders to wrap this up. moving right along...

UAE Team Emirates: It’s not enough that they’ve already won the Tour. They’re also going to keep their stranglehold on the white jersey and put up to for guys in the top ten. Strong La Vie Claire vibes.

Uno - X Mobility: This lineup brought my brain to a complete halt.