Help me explain to my coworker than he can’t win a fight win an orangutan

Let the record show that I love JP Acosta. He’s smart, effortlessly funny, charismatic as hell, and one of the best ball-knowers among NFL writers. He’s also young, overconfident, and I would prefer him not to be torn limb-from-limb by an angry orangutan.

From the second JP started working at SB Nation there’s a core character trait I think defines him so well: He is absolutely convinced he could win a one-on-one fight with an ape. It doesn’t matter which ape, because from the gentle chimpanzee to raging gorilla, he thinks he could take down any of the great apes with a katana he owns.

This isn’t the recent internet meme of 100 humans vs. one gorilla. This is JP’s own internal monologue, a personal credo he’s had for years, which has led to absolutely ludicrous self-belief which has propelled him to have complete faith that an orangutan would cower in fear of his martial prowess.

Every time there’s a clip of any kind of fight, or in this case men in armor battling on a Tour de France rooftop, he once again re-asserts that he could take an orangutan.

It doesn’t matter how much we tell him he’d die, JP ignores our arguments. This is a level of hubris humanity hasn’t seen since Icarus leaped from a cliff with his beeswax wings. There is absolutely no planet in which JP could survive a orangutan fight, and at this point I’ve grown concerned enough about this future that we need the internet to intervene and help convince him that he has no chance.

Orangutans are considered to be more docile than much of their great ape brethren — especially a baboon or gorilla. While there’s no doubt JP thinks he could take all three, he’s wrong. Which is why we’ve generally settled on the orangutan being the most fair fight we could offer him. Imagine both are locked in a large Squid Game-esque room, like red light, green light. It’s a simply dirt floor. No place to hide, just combat.

We need your help, dead reader. Please jump in the comments and tell JP whether or not you think he could win a fight with an orangutan. Help stem his tide of hubris. We cannot risk a candidate for “America’s Favorite Couple” get demolished by an ape because he’s too confident in his swordsmanship.