The Olympics want to make sure athletes use their free condoms for socially-distanced sex only

This plan will absolutely, definitely work.

The incredible sex exploits of the Olympic village are well known. Hundreds of the world’s best-conditioned athletes, housed together away from prying eyes, know they can have as much no-strings-attached sex as they want before returning to their countries.

It’s like Big Brother, but without the drama over who won’t wash the dishes.

However, Tokyo will be a little different. Organizers are trying to marry the reality of Tinder-based location boning with a global pandemic. So, in what might be the funniest scenario of all time, the IOC is supplying 150,000 condoms to the Olympic village, but begging athletes to only use them when they’ve returned home, NOT to protect themselves during an Olympic hookup.

“The distribution of condoms is not for use at the athlete’s village, but to have athletes take them back to their home countries to raise awareness” of HIV and AIDS issues, said Tokyo 2020 in an emailed response to questions by Reuters.

There is so much amazing information packed in one statement issued to Reuters. If I’m following the logic here, they want the athletes NOT to have glorious, unfettered, hot athlete sex at the village, but take them home and start condom awareness campaigns.

Instead of there being Olympic bed talk, they want a TED Talk.

Instead of getting their Tokyo bone on, they want pro-condom songs.

Instead of Tinder hookups, they want locals to lookup how to practice safe sex.

Obviously this is a great idea IN THEORY, but this is the most winky-face emoji of a response I’ve ever seen. I mean, if 150,000 condoms were really about spreading awareness at home, wouldn’t they just ship the condoms to their houses? Not, I dunno, force them to carry a metric ton of condoms home with them?

But nah, we know what this is all about. Asking Olympians not to have sex in the village is like putting a ham in front of a dog, saying “Now Sprinkles, I’m going to turn my back. Don’t you eat this ham.” Spoiler: Sprinkles ate the ham.

So, I hope the Olympians enjoy their glorious sex. I hope everyone stays safe. I hope nobody gets sick. I’m going to be filing the Olympic committee’s condom plan alongside my recurrent plans to order pizza, and not eat the whole pizza. It ain’t gonna work.