Greatest Royal Rumble results: Braun Strowman crushes foes in 50-man battle royal

Who else could it have been?

Braun Strowman is your Greatest Royal Rumble champion. The Monster Among Men stood tall in Saudi Arabia, wrecking the largest field in Rumble history to establish himself as one of the scariest wrestlers in the WWE.

In the end, he outlasted a final four that included Big Cass, No. 1 entrant Daniel Bryan, and Kevin Owens.

The following is my play-by-play of the 90-minute main event as it took place. It’s...long.

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Daniel Bryan is your first man out, and the Saudi crowd loves it. Heel announcer Corey Graves does his best to spoil the ending by harping on how there’s no chance Bryan wins the Rumble from the No. 1 spot. Hmmmm.

He’s joined by Dolph Ziggler, giving the Rumble a rock-solid foundation to start. From there, it’ll be a new wrestler every 90 seconds (give or take). The main event’s hot streak ends at two when Sin Cara trundles down the ramp. He lasts approximately 60 seconds before Dolph tosses him. Curtis Axel gets maybe 40 seconds of ring time before the WWE sent out Mark Henry.

I’m sorry, WWE Hall of Famer Mark Henry. He eliminates Axel, then spends exactly one second to eliminate Mike Kanellis, a man I’d forgotten still works for the company. Sumo wrestler Hiroki Sumi is next. No I don’t know who that is either. Henry eliminates him, then Ziggler and Bryan team up to eliminate the World’s Strongest Man. It’s a cold world, Mark.

Viktor from the Ascension is next. He lasts 50 seconds before we’re back to Bryan and Ziggler. But Kofi Kingston is here to add a little star power to the ring, and he finds a way to last more than four minutes, which is nice. Tony Nese, famously known as “not-Neville” follows. Dash Wilder hits the ring and thinks he’s gonna eliminate Bryan, which is cute.

Wilder is eliminated the same time Hornswoggle enters. He gets kicked in the face very hard and lasts maybe a minute. No. 13 is Primo, another wrestler I forgot is part of WWE. Probably not great for his chances.

Xavier Woods comes to Kingston’s aid, leading to Kofi’s first big “you can’t eliminate me” spot of the night.

Nese attempts to celebrate with them and gets tossed. Neville never would have fallen for that shit.

Kurt Angle arrives at No. 16 to suplex and summarily eliminate Primo, Bo Dallas, and Ziggler. Pour one out for the Bo Dallas revival.

Scott Dawson is next. Then Goldust, who makes his 13th appearance in the Rumble. His first move is a snap powerslam, and it’s still great. Elias strums his way to the ring on the 20th position (Konnor preceded him) and gets a lukewarm reaction from a crowd unfamiliar with America’s hipster garbage. He fails to grace us with a song, opting to instead eliminate Konnor, Kingston, and Woods in one fell swoop.

Soon, Bryan and Angle are facing off in a dream-match scenario. Before it can really get started, Elias eliminates Angle. Because he is a dick.

Rhyno, who must have a very weird skeleton, comes in at 22. Drew Gulak, lost in the shuffle now he doesn’t have Enzo Amore to play off of, is No. 23. Ol’ “steaks and weights” Tucker Knight made the trip to Jeddah all the way from NXT, and he eliminates Gulak immediately.

And then the lights dim. Here comes the Glorious One himself, Bobby Roode. He dropkicks Goldust out of the ring because he hates magic. Fandango is here, however, to ensure there’s still at least one notable weirdo in the ring.

Rey Mysterio makes his WWE return wearing a green vest and white trunks. He looks like a masked Quail-Man.

Fandango gets eliminated and quickly replaced by tag partner Tyler Breeze. Breeze lasts 30 seconds, only because he jumped into Fandango’s arms at ringside. No one respects the Fashion Police.

More underwhelming tag team members arrive. There are still 17 entrants to go. Randy Orton breaks the streak at No. 35, entering and immediately wrecking shop. He eliminates Mojo Rowley, Karl Anderson, and Apollo Crews to create some breathing room in the ring. NXT giant Babatunde, who I don’t think I’ve seen on WWE programming before, is No. 37.

Baron Corbin arrives and dispatches Roddy Strong and Bobby Roode. He also beats the crap out of Elias on the outside, just for the hell of it. Titus O’Neil trundles down the ramp at No. 39 and nearly murders himself just running. Not a great sign!

There are a handful of NXT guys in the ring now, so here comes Braun Strowman at No. 41 to crush them all into dust. He’s not in the Rumble for 10 seconds before he’s eliminated Babatunde and Dan Matha. Big E and Heath Slater soon follow. He’s strong!

Everyone gangs up on Strowman, and a string of eliminations cut the ring down to the monster among men, Bryan, and Elias. Curt Hawkins is No. 43, and he wisely decides to run away rather than enter the contest. Strowman chases him down anyway, throws him back into the ring, and then eliminates a man who wanted no part of this whole wrestling thing today.

Bobby Lashley arrives to eliminate Elias (boo!) but then squares off with Strowman just long enough to let Bryan back into the match to light everyone up with running dropkicks (yes!). A somehow less-mobile-than-before Great Khali interrupts that (boo!), but he only lasts a minute or so (yes!).

A fresh Kevin Owens enters at No. 46 and beats up three exhausted men. Shane McMahon comes immediately afterward in order to restore justice with the WWE’s least realistic punches. He and Bryan team up to barrage Owens with Yes! kicks while the crowd erupts. He takes a minute to recover, then directs traffic as everyone gangs up on Strowman.

Chris Jericho comes in at No. 50. Sami Zayn...doesn’t get a slot. Strowman throws Shane McMahon from the ringpost to a conveniently vacated announcers’ table. It looked cool, though!

Then he tosses Lashley, Jericho, and Owens. We’re down to three men -- Strowman, Big Cass, and Bryan. Cass eliminates Bryan, then taunts him, leaving him alone with the Monster Among Men (tm). Cass gets the upper hand briefly, then Strowman pulverizes his balls on the rope before heaving him over for the win. Phew. 13 eliminations for BRAAAAAAUUUNNNNN. He gets an enormous trophy and a green and red belt for his efforts.

Match MVPs: Daniel Bryan, Elias, Braun Strowman, Titus O’Neil’s amazing entrance

Should I watch this later?: Yuuuup. Preferably while drinking. It goes on for a while.