Let’s guess what John Sterling’s home run call is going to be for Giancarlo Stanton

It won’t be subtle. That’s all we know.

Yankees announcer John Sterling has a thing. That thing is coming up with cute catch phrases when a Yankees player hits a home run. Sometimes they’re over before you can process them, and they fit within the flow of the game. Sometimes, they’re abjectly awful and give brain mites to hundreds of thousands of people.

Now you have brain mites. We’re in this together.

This comes up now because Sterling is planning to deploy a new catch phrase. This one is going to be for Giancarlo Stanton, the big beefy baseball lad who hits baseballs quite far.

We are compelled to guess.

Without the clue, the obvious speculation would have centered on rhymes, which are a Sterling specialty. Possible suggestions:

• Giancarlo hit the ball far-lo!
• Stan-ton clobbered that ball a man-ton.
• Gian-cee has committed a felon-ee. He murdered that baseball and stole my heart!
• Look at that Gian-car-go!
• Giancarlo Stanton has hit another moonshot, and all I can think about is how I’m dead inside!
• Tell my college sweetheart that I’m constantly replaying why we broke up, as I travel down a path paved with regret and shame. And tell the pitcher that the baseball broke up when it reentered the atmosphere!
• Giancarlo hit that ball real far-lo!

Something like that. It was definitely one of those at some point this offseason. But since then, it’s changed. Now, it’s an Italian phrase that rhymes.

It’s an Italian phrase that rhymes.

This is going to kill me. Let’s figure this out together.

We’ll use the greatest tool of lazy journalists anywhere: Google. After searching for “common Italian phrases” and “Italian phrases used in English,” we can whittle this down.

Phrases that use “goodbye” are logical guesses. Arrivederci is one. Ciao is probably the most famous one. Salve is probably a little too formal and unfamiliar to Americans, though buonanotte might be okay. We have to factor in the rhyme, though. We can’t forget the rhyme.

Here, then, are my guesses:

5.

Il baseball è stato punito! And Giancarlo’s season is not finito!

It almost goes somewhere interesting with the first part (“The baseball was punished!”) but then it devolves into utter nonsense by the end. It’s perfect, in other words.

4.

Arrivederci! Giancarlo sent that pitch to New Jersey!

Note: This is said so that “Jersey” rhymes with “Arrivederci,” which requires Sterling to slip into more of an Irish accent by the end of the call. I think he can do it. I have faith in him.

3.

The pitch came in floating, and Giancarlo said, ‘Buonanotte!’

I’m almost certainly missing something, but I’m not finding a great baseball rhyming match for arrivederci or buonanotte. This one is a stretch, but that’s probably a feature, not a bug.

2.

Chiamate un’ambulanza! Giancarlo has hit one to Rockefeller Plaza!

Pros: It doesn’t make sense (why would you need to call an ambulance for a baseball, it’s just a baseball, come on). It only vaguely rhymes. It’s completely over the top.

Cons: See, in this game, all of the cons are pros, and John Sterling doesn’t care what you think.

1.

Ciao! Giancarlo goes pow! Listen to the crowd scream wow. And how!

The call has to include ciao, I’ve decided. It’s something the average viewer will pick up immediately, which can’t be said about most of the above examples. And don’t underestimate just how fun it would be for Sterling to punctuate every use of an -ow word.

Also, this is easily the most obnoxious one. This is the winner.

Suggestions are welcome, but I think we’ve figured it out. I can’t wait until the season, when I absolutely will not tune in to find out if I’m correct with any of these. Thank you.