Super Bowl commercials 2018: Dammit, Coke, calm down, you’re just selling carbonated corn syrup
Unless you’re selling carbonated periodic tables. Either way, calm down.
Coca-Cola is an American institution in every possible way, for better and for worse. It has shady origins that are often swept under the rug. (Imagine how much revenue a literal cocaine soda would bring in today.) It’s also kind of awesome, and it gets better the less you actually think about enjoying it! It’s both disposable and venerable, powerful and iconic. It tends to harm poor people disproportionately, but it’s also great! Yes, indeed, Coca-Cola is America.
But, seriously, calm the hell down, Coke. You’re also just carbonated water with corn syrup and/or chemicals.
Look at this damned ad:
First, the spot is titled The Wonder of Us. You’re selling a soda. Calm down. It really isn’t life or death. Unless you drink too many Cokes over several decades, in which case it might be life or death, ha ha, but we’ll stick with the conceit that there’s no way soda can possibly be that important. Except for the part where it might eventually kill you.
But the commercial starts, and it never eases up on the mawkishness. There’s Jimmy-just-learned-a-valuable-lesson music and narration about LIFE and PEOPLE and INDIVIDUALITY, as it whips us around the world to watch people having the most fun they’ve ever had. A list of the included activities:
- A game of spin-the-bottle
- Some sort of athletic competition
- Hangin’ with a pupper
- Enjoying the beach
- Riding a bike with 600 balloons
- Swinging on a swing, like the carefree child you yearn to be again
- Street magic?
- Bumper cars
- Freestyle wheelchair
- Looking at the stars
- More beachin’
- Looking into another person’s eyes with the purest of love
- Singing in a car
- Blowing out candles on a birthday cake
- Dancing
- Hanging out
- Buying food
- Jumping into a lake
And it’s all immaculately presented. I want to have that much fun. I want to live my best life, and it sure looks like those people are doing it.
I would implore you to look at that list, though, and realize one important thing: You don’t need a metal cylinder of carbonated sugar water to participate or enjoy any of them. I sang “Interstate Love Song” at the top of my lungs with my windows rolled up just yesterday. Didn’t need a metal cylinder of carbonated sugar water. I, too, enjoy hanging out with my buddies. Don’t need a metal cylinder of carbonated sugar water when I do it. If they offer me one, I don’t know, maybe I’ll indulge, but, dammit, Coke, calm down.
The tone of the commercial suggests that Coca-Cola has figured out how to bottle the miracle of childbirth, and if you want to feel the mysteries of the cosmos trickle down the back of your throat, tickling your consciousness and helping you enjoy your brief time on this crazy rock, that you should celebrate life with an ice-cold DAMMIT, COKE CALM DOWN, YOU ARE SOMETHING WITH BUBBLES THAT ATTRACTS ANTS.
The press release suggests admirable goals:
The ad celebrates Coca-Cola’s values of optimism, diversity and inclusion – principles that the brand has stood for since 1886 – emphasizing that no matter how unique you are, there is a special, ice-cold Coca-Cola for you.
Inclusion is a great thing! Diversity is a great thing! Optimism is a great thing! In this case, though, it’s hard to suggest that the push for inclusion would be prioritized as much if it weren’t possible to slap an ice-cold bottle of high-fructose corn syrup in the hands of literally everyone on the planet.
Mostly, though, c’mon. You’re selling fizzy hummingbird food. Stop acting like you’re the glowing spirit of my grandmother kissing my forehead when I fall asleep.
Still, I do enjoy a Coke every now and then. At the very least, I think we can all agree that at least Coke tastes good, instead of Pepsi, which tastes like an overdue utility bill, and that people who call soda “pop” are hilarious and weird.
But it’s still just liquid fructose. And it annoys me when a brand pretends otherwise.
Thank you.