Mariners pay homage to the Best Picture nominees in 6-1 Oscar-Night loss to Colorado

What if Rick Rizzs instead of Conan O’Brien?

Conclave

We start with my personal favorite, since I’m writing this recap and that’s my prerogative. Conclave was the best movie I saw in 2024, a tour de force of writing, direction, acting, and production design. This thing fired on all cylinders, with the story constantly evolving and making me reconsider what movie I was even watching. My personal favorite, firing on all cylinders, and constantly evolving? That’s Logan Gilbert, who got today’s start, and against admittedly weak opposition, wiped away any memory of his shaky first outing. He efficiently carved through the Rockies, allowing just one baserunner over 2.2 innings. He’s already got the big velo going, averaging 97.3 on his fastball on just March 2nd. And is he still tinkering? He threw five sinkers today, a pitch it seemed like he’d shelved after some failed experiments with it in 2022. He usually threw one or two a game last year, just to keep hitters off balance, but that was its only use. We’ll have to wait and see whether he’s trying to properly work it into his repertoire or was just using an exhibition game to work on it against live hitters. But as it was when I watched Conclave, I’m on the edge of my seat.

The Substance

I haven’t seen this yet, but I really want to. Not unlike Colt Emerson, who can’t get to the bigs soon enough. In his first at-bat today, he worked a 14-pitch HBP, which included three foul balls that would have been dingers if they’d been kept fair, taking two the opposite way.

A Complete Unknown

This movie had some first act problems, as it failed to fully set up the hypocrisy of Big Folk Music that Bob Dylan would rebel against, and some third act problems, with a preposterously melodramatic climax that was so comically unrealistic as to sap the events of any meaning. But the middle was very good, and the acting was top notch. A good middle despite a slow start and a crashing finale? Sure sounds like the career of Mitch Haniger, who took a while to get started, had a glorious middle, but has been unwatchable for a couple years now. It was more of the same today with a walk off uncompetitive pitches from Jake Bird not doing enough to cancel out the strikeout against German Marquez.

The Brutalist

I’m sure this movie is good, but it feels too much like homework, which is not what I’m about right now. It reminds me of seeing (or hearing, this being a radio-only game) Samad Taylor sub in for Julio and lay down a perfectly executed bunt in the triangle on the right side. Fundamentals, blah, blah, blah. He’d eventually scoring the Mariners’ only run of the day on a wild pitch because the fundamentals are important. But the word’s first three letters notwithstanding, they’re not that fun. Especially when it meant subbing out Julio, who led off the game with a 111-mph double on the first pitch. More of that please.

Dune 2

Despite its technical proficiency, the first installment was borderline unwatchable. It achieved the seemingly impossible combination of being both difficult to follow while also being almost entirely exposition. You wouldn’t think you could do both. I had no interest in seeing a follow up. But despite being boring and bad, this franchise has a stalwart and loud fan base of nerdy boys. And even though the nerdy boys have not been a marginalized group for at least 20 years, they’ve still got a serious chip on their collective shoulder, so it’s best to avoid making them mad. Similarly, nobody wants to hear me continue my anti-Ryan Bliss agenda, so I’ll skip it even though he was bad again today. (Don’t let Rizzs fool you with his going on and on about Bliss being robbed of a double—it was 91 mph off the bat.)

Anora

This is a movie about wealth and power. So is Donovan Solano’s spot on this roster. Mariners fans deserve better, but are being stomped on by Mariners’ ownership. Nevertheless, Solano had a good day today. In the first inning, with Julio on second, he hit the ball to the right side to move Julio up a base. He followed it up with a 100+ mph flyout in the third and a hard-hit single in the fifth. His performance earns Solano the year’s first Sun Hat Award (as well as Spring Training’s 11th Sun Visor Award). We’re disappointed with Solano because of what he’s not, but it doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate him for what he is. Consider that Anora is also a movie about making the best of a bad situation.

Emilia Perez

I don’t really know what this movie is except that there’s some sort of controversy associated with it that I don’t care enough to learn about. I’m not here for controversy right now. Likewise, today I learned that Rowdy Tellez is on the Mariners Spring Training roster. What? It won’t last, so I’m not even bothering to invest the energy in figuring out why he’s here.

Nickel Boys

I didn’t see this yet, but I read the book, which was fantastic. Apparently, the movie was shot in the first-person, which strikes me as an unnecessary gimmick considering how strong the characters and story are. Y’all seen Randy Arozarena’s hair lately? Bro, you’re Randy Arozarena! You don’t have to try so hard.

I’m Still Here

Vibes-wise, this seems like the movie that stole A Real Pain’s nomination. No disrespect to I’m Still Here, but A Real Pain was too good to be snubbed: small and contained, beautiful and funny and tragic. So I’m using this spot to highlight Casey Lawrence and Neftali Feliz, who had four strikeouts and a 1-2-3 inning respectfully. They’re still here. Nevertheless, I would have preferred Gabe Speier.

Wicked

There’s some decent stuff in here, I guess, but good lord, why is it so long? I had similar feelings about the bottom of the eighth, when a series of defensive miscues and bases-loaded walks allowed the Rockies to take the game from 1-1 to 6-1. This was truly the Spring Training segment of the game. I just wanted it to be over.