Spring to skip Training

Meteorological season claims to be in “best shape of existence”

EARTH — Calendar season Spring announced on Saturday that it will not join MLB players in pre-season camp this year.

Insisting that no contract dispute or injury dictated the decision to skip Cactus and Grapefruit League assignments, Spring stated that it simply does not need its titular Training.

“I’m in the best shape of my existence,” the 4.5 billion-year-old meteorological phenomenon said during a press conference. “I don’t need it. Go look at my numbers from fall ball in the southern hemisphere if you don’t believe me.”

Opinions about the season’s decision varied around the league. “My client knows this game better than anyone else,” agent Scott Boras said while eating a sno-cone. “When the regular season starts expect balmy sunny days and random snowstorms followed by weeks of drizzling rain just like every year.”

Players did not share such a positive outlook. “What a diva,” said Giancarlo Stanton of the Yankees.

“Having Spring really helps us get ready for all 162 games and my garden kind of needs it?” remarked Tarik Skubal.

When Steven Kwan heard about Spring’s decision to skip Spring Training, he shook his head and gazed up at the sky. “That’s soft,” muttered the Guardians’ left fielder.

It is not clear what Major League Baseball plans to do if Spring continues to hold out of scheduled games. Commissioner Rob Manfred suggested some unconventional solutions.

“One option,” Manfred said, “is to call up Dromay, but that season hasn’t existed since the Triassic era. We’re reviewing ideas. Games on Venus could be on the table if there is simply no weather at all.”

At press time, Spring was absolutely nowhere to be found while Summer continued to insist that it could just get started now.