2025 Cleveland Guardians Predictions

I HAVE MY CERTAINTY

These are ironclad predictions, all right?

It may be that none of these predictions come to pass. Would that mean the predictions were not correct? I suppose it depends on your definition of things like, “correct,” “accurate,” and “spacetime.”

What I am saying to you is that when these are up for prop bets through the Draft 365 BetAI Kings app you should put your life savings into each of them. It may take some time to find multiple financial institutions that will allow you to take out a loan equal to every bit of monetary value you are worth, in particular if you divulge that you plan to bet the money on a proposition that does not yet exist. Be tenacious. Show them your five-year-plan. Slide a note across the desk that says, “This isn’t a robbery I’m just real desperate man”.

When each and every one of these hit you’re going to say, “My goodness the size of my bankroll is quite healthy at the moment, I am quite pleased to say I have become lower-upper-middle-upper class. Perhaps I shall purchase a Lexus.”

Do not thank me. Thank the crow who elucidated all of the following to me with a simple caw.

Steven Kwan hits .327

Cleveland’s starting left fielder torched the league to start the 2024 season. Pitchers got up on the mound and thought they were going to throw the baseball past him and into the mitt of the catcher but Steven Kwan simply was not having any of that, refused it, continued to swing his bat and make solid contact which drove the ball into the field of play at a rate that astounded many around the game. Jay Jaffe of FanGraphs broke down Kwan’s success when the outfielder strained his hamstring. At the time of the injury Kwan slashed .353/.407/.496; after his return on May 31st he tallied .268/.354/.398.

It is hereby prophesized that Mr. Kwan shall hit .327. This is a number between both .353 and .268, and it is also divisible by 109. While Kwan’s hamstring issues continue to pop up throughout his career this prediction states that he will suffer no tightness, discomfort, strain, tears, or disintegrations of his hamstring muscles in 2025. As such, expect him to have his best-ever season at the plate.

Shane Bieber takes a perfect game into the ninth inning

This is guaranteed to occur on May 17th, 2025. The Cincinnati Reds won’t have any idea how to approach the Guardians’ ace as he shall paint the corners time and again with offerings so filthy that your grandmother will excuse herself from the room. Carnage will unfold until pitch 98 when Bieber shall throw an excellent cutter to Noelvi Marte. The bad news — Marte is going to hit that one 438 feet. The good news — the Guardians will still win that game 6-1.

Emmanuel Clase will blow a save on July 18th

Tough one, here. Hand a game over to the best closer in baseball right after Travis Bazzana hits a go-ahead grand slam and a team might expect to win. In this instance, nay. First game back from the All-Star break and everything. What a downer, Clase. Fortunately this will be his first and only blown save on the season, but as it will come against the Greater Sacramento Athletics of Oakland of Northern California and Surrounding Exclaves it will count as twenty losses and keep the Guardians out of the postseason.

Will Brennan saves a cat

This one really threw me off when the crow told it to me, but with a soft caw it insisted that this, too, is a guaranteed win. You may recall a sparrow that Brennan exploded some time ago. One second, bird. The next? Not so much.

A cat will wander onto the field at Progressive Field. In the ensuing chase it will try to climb the netting behind home plate and get stuck. Undeterred, Brennan will climb the netting and after fifteen minutes of clicking and sushing he will scoop it up, descend the netting, and hold the cat up to rapturous applause.

After sacrificing the cat to Jobu and reapplying eyeblack with its blood he will also stroke a triple.

Onion embraces a goth phase

Who hasn’t? Don’t get all judgey, she’ll pull it off.

Stephen Vogt uncovers a forgotten Francona bubble gum stash and triggers a 16-game winning streak

Baseball is a mysterious game full of mystery and mystery. Superstitions run rampant and when Vogt accidentally puts his foot through a locker while emphasizing the importance of sliding to an unnamed rookie an avalanche of bubble gum will rain from the ceiling. Unfortunate TOOTBLAN forgotten, the power of friendship and sugar will propel the Guardians through a scorching stretch of baseball. By the end of August they’ll command a six-game lead in the AL Central. When pressed for details about the success Vogt will blow a bubble that pops onto his face and say, “Get some.”

José Ramírez wins The Masked Singer

I know this one sounds pretty implausible compared to the rest, but Josey is a talented young man. No one will understand just how he manages to juggle such a complicated schedule, but in the midst of a 36-game hitting streak he’ll finally reveal himself to be Koopa Troopa on the Masked Singer after winning it all. Internet commenters will feel that his performance of “Chandelier” was a little shaky but when he comes roaring back with “Take the “A” Train” folks won’t even know what to do with their hands. Home run pitch, indeed.

Bo Naylor hits a five-run home run on August 16th

Commissioner Manfred will unilaterally amend the rules of baseball such that any player who successfully wins three pitching challenges in one game will be awarded one (1) Bonus Run in their next at-bat should they hit a home run. Bo, with the bases loaded, will rope one down the right field line. While the hit should go as a routine double a squirrel is going to scare the living hell out of Ronald Acuña Jr. They will then stand and stare at each other with the baseball in between them for several seconds before Acuña remembers it’s just a squirrel but by that time Bo will be rounding third and heading for home.

Covering the Corner featured on new game show

Real ones may recall the time our humble website was a question on Jeopardy!

https://www.coveringthecorner.com/2018/7/13/17570452/jeopardy-7-13-2018-answers-lets-go-tribe

Anyway, CBS is going to launch a new game show called Memefactor in which contestants must correctly identify memes AND use them correctly (as judged by a panel of reddit admins) before time expires. With Carlos Santana back on the club a certain image of the man may or may not resurface from time to time.

During episode seven a man named Mitchell will not successfully identify the above meme and his punishment? Receiving the complete series of The Big Bang Theory on LaserDisc. He will have to take it home. He will have to play it. He will have to watch it. I’m very sorry, Mitchell. You should have read this article.