2024 Royals Holiday Shopping Guide - The Addendum
Seasons Greetings Royals Review! I'm CobraCy, and I provide nothing of real value to a community of people who are much smarter than I am - no analytics, no deep dives into prospect lists, no knee-jerk reaction comments in game threads (anymore) - nothing that you could take and apply to an intelligent conversation. But over a decade ago, I started posting reviews of the best that capitalism had to provide as it pertains to the Royals via their online store, and it became a bit of a tradition. Started off innocently enough, sort of a helpful "hey! don't buy this, buy THIS!" listicle until it devolved into just a rambling angry train of thought of whatever weird stuff I could find online, not unlike watching Dwight from The Office downward spiral as Recyclops. Wait, where was I...
Oh right. So life has gotten in the way of me writing these for a few years, and I was patiently waiting for someone else to take up the mantle - which Matthew did this year! Only as luck would have it, I quit my job yesterday and now have a month off before I start a new one, so I now have ample time and a newly refreshed spirit to be able to spread my brand of Christmas joy. So here's your 2024 addendum to the Royals Holiday Shopping Guide.
Kansas City Royals 8" LED Light Up Christmas Tree
Well let's start this off with some actual Christmas decor. I grew up with porcelain Christmas trees like this one, and I can assure you that its main functionality is to disappoint grandparents a little more every year by losing the bulbs in the depths of the couch cushions one or two at a time.
Kansas City Royals LED 8" Snowman Lit Garden Statue
That snowman looks way too content in displaying his inner workings.
Kansas City Royals Team Desktop Fanimal
Oh look, a sign commemorating the Pasquatch phenomenon that isn't formally affiliated with Pasquatch! I like it.
Kansas City Royals 12" Scarecrow Yard Stake
Oh look, a sign commemorating Hunter Renfroe's defensive prowess that isn't formally affiliated with Hunter Renfroe! I like it.
Kansas City Royals Inflatable Crazy Sports Fan
Oh look! A late game defensive replacement for MJ Melendez! I like it.
Kansas City Royals 24.25" x 35.75" Framed Team Poster
Oh look! A sign commemorating Bobby Witt Jr's inaugural postseason appearances that isn't formally affiliated with... Huh? Those aren't icicles you say? Then what is dripping down on this photo and why? Actually don't answer that. Quickly moving along now.
Kansas City Royals Fanatics Branded Trapper Hat - Royal
Yes! A Cousin Eddie hat! If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV Preacher... Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving all year.
Kansas City Royals Blue Sofa Protector
And then you have this little number for after you've tried fumigating a good quality sofa that smells like fried pussy cat. Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.
Kansas City Royals Highland Mint Gold Stadium Collector Coin
Alright alright, I'll stop with the player blasphemy and the Cousin Eddie quotes. Let's move on to some memorabilia. So... Collector coins. There were actually several on the website, I just picked one at random as the content on the coin matters little. The question I have is... What is the point of commemorative coins and who is buying them?? Are there people out there that think these will actually appreciate in value? Do they keep them in a display under a Thomas Kinkade painting to formally announce to the world that they're stupid with money and would absolutely be open to hearing a multi-level marketing pitch and you should probably pre-emptively block them on Facebook? Do they keep them in their pockets to arbitrarily make coin-flip decisions like Two Face? Maybe this coin specifically is justifiable at some point in the future to remember the halcyon days of when we had a beautiful and accessible stadium with ample parking that we were all perfectly fine with.
Autographed Kansas City Royals George Brett Fanatics Authentic Baseball
This one's just here to establish a baseline before we delve into the next one.
This one just cracks me up. Not because the price per character written on a ball jumps from $20.68 per semi-legible scrawled character to $29.99, but instead because there's a limited edition of 12 of these bad boys. If 12 seems like a somewhat arbitrary number, I'm guessing it's because 12 is exactly the number of balls ol' George was able to successfully complete in this precise orientation of text before storming out of his office and tucking into a case of Bud Light while yelling at an intern that was sheepishly trying to pick up the 13 other failed attempts that had been angrily chucked across the room.
As an aside, for there to be no mention of "pine tar" on this item just feels like a huge missed opportunity.
Kansas City Royals 2014 World Series Game 1 Game-Used Dirt Jar
Ok? Did this item previously house poultry seasoning that expired in 1999? And they're choosing to commemorate a Bumgarner game that we got shellacked in? Joe Buck probably utilizes this like bath salts.
Kansas City Royals 11'' x 19'' Retro Pump Location Sign
Someone's going to need to help me with the associations on this one. Kansas City Royals of course. Missouri, USA; oddly specific, but sure I guess. And then a no-context, quaint, old-fashioned gas pump? Doesn't this style of attendant-driven gas pumps actually predate... you know... the ACTUAL KANSAS CITY ROYALS?
Kansas City Royals Imperial 8" x 24" Personalized Family Cheer Framed Print
Man, that's healthy serving of mom-speak word salad for something you'd probably be hanging in a mud room; I think I stopped reading halfway through. But just out of curiosity's sake, I decided to utilize AI for the very first time in my life to see what it would kick out for a product pitch:
Bring the spirit of the Kansas City Royals into your home with a charming "live laugh love" themed sign designed for a wholesome family. This sign is a perfect addition to any Royals fan's decor, adding a touch of team spirit and positivity to your living space. Displaying this sign proudly in your home will remind your family to live life to the fullest, find joy in every moment, and love unconditionally - values that resonate with both Royals fans and families alike. Embrace the love for your team and the love within your family with this delightful and heartwarming sign that celebrates both the team and the bond you share.
NAILED IT! Yeesh. I think that saccharine drivel just gave me diabetes.
Kansas City Royals 24'' Homegating Tavern Sign
More signs! Looks like we've moved on from the MAN CAVE and LADY CAVE nonsense (I'd like to think I had something to do with that), but that doesn't mean the market for nonsense signs just magically goes away - so here's a new portmanteau to fill the void - HOMEGATING.
Kansas City Royals 12" Coffee Tavern Sign
And then finally for people who have graduated from making craft beer the focal point of their identity, we have a new sign for people who make coffee the focal point of their identity. 87 varieties of Keurig K-Cups that still all just taste like chewing a hazelnut pen cap not included.
Kansas City Royals 12'' Sugar Skull Circle Sign
???
St. Louis Cardinals vs Kansas City Royals WinCraft 3' x 5' Single-Sided Deluxe House Divided Flag
Sure, you could buy this. Or you could just apply the $27.99 towards divorce proceedings and/or putting your children up for adoption.
Kansas City Royals Bat Wine Opener
I swear every year about this time, I'm inevitably at some holiday party and the host will excitedly show me their new Sharper Image electronic corkscrew that turns the simple process of opening a bottle of wine into a two-minute noisy ordeal where I'm forced to watch the pinnacle of unnecessary gadgetry slowly (and poorly) remove a cork. Anyway, if you want to keep a crotchety introverted Grinch like myself from efficiently self-soothing with a Cabernet, you can now do that with some Royals flair. Or you could... you know... be an adult and USE A WINE KEY. You know what? Forget it, I'll have a scotch. Double. Up.
Kansas City Royals Baseball BBQ MVP 17" Cutting Board & 6-Piece BBQ Tools Grill Set
This is actually pretty cool, but I know myself well, and $200 for something I'm inevitably going to forgetfully leave out in the elements after treating myself to a few too many Boulevards while "just tending the brisket" to avoid the in-laws congregating inside seems like a poor choice.
Kansas City Royals Wheel of Fate
If you don't know how to choose between watching a 12:10 opening pitch day game against the White Sox in June and performing BASIC ADULT FUNCTIONS, we have a solution for you! "Good news, you can come over for a game watch today! Sorry the bathroom looks like 'the worst toilet in Scotland' from Trainspotting, but the Wheel of Fate is final and uncompromising."
Kansas City Royals Battle Hook and Ring Game Set
Time for a bit of self-indulgence. We have a homemade version of this game at the office of where I work used to work. We hosted a Christmas party there with a full bar, and right at the onset, our president asks if I can make him an old-fashioned. No problem-o. One of our other employees there, the office do-everything resident nicest guy on the planet cheerleader overhears and asks me to make him one too. Again, no problem-o. The problem started with the fact that I forgot that said nicest guy on the planet (his name was James) rarely drank and I always make doubles since that's how I make them at home for efficiency's sake. So James sits down with another coworker and starts playing this hook game. If you've played it before, it's often played with a shot glass, and the loser has to take the shot. James... Was not very good at the hook game. So when he lost, in lieu of pouring him a shot, our president just suggests he finish his drink. He does, and so I make him another. James lost 4 times in a row in the span of about 30 minutes, right as the party is starting to get into some of the more formalized activities.
One of those activities is team trivia hosted by me. So I'm doing my thing in calling out the questions while James is slowly and quietly starting to explore the cosmos from the comfort of his barstool. As a tongue-in-cheek nod to our dealings with the general public, one of my trivia round themes was "Karens" (think answers like Karen Carpenter, Karen O, etc.). That's the round that James finally comes back to a bit and decides to announce to ground control that all is well with him by loudly yelling out "THE ANSWER IS KAREN!" or "IT'S KAREN!" or "IT's f***ing KAREN. AGAIN!"
Sadly James passed away from heart complications the following year, but we all love that story. RIP my Twins-loving friend, I'll never be able to look at this game (or a Karen) without thinking of you.
This is not the Royals themed crossover you're looking for...
Kansas City Royals Undrilled Bowling Ball
THIS is the Royals themed crossover you're looking for! Bravo! I don't even bowl and I want one.
Kansas City Royals WWE Legacy Title Belt
Check that, I spoke too soon. Here's the Royals themed crossover winner! Smells like Slim Jims and childhood neglect! Sadly though, if you read the fine print, it can only be purchased by or gifted to guys named Kyle. Any deviation from that, and it will be repo-ed by a Kyle who just shotgunned a Monster energy drink, but only after punching your drywall, smacking you upside the head with the belt, and urinating on your flower bed on the way out.
Kansas City Royals Imperial Reclaimed 22" Oak Bar Shelf
This thing creeps me out. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it reminds me of the blind Garrador monsters from Resident Evil 4, like it's going to come to life and start slashing at me if I flick a light switch or something. Just oddly austere.
WubbaNub Kansas City Royals Bear Plush and Pacifier
Among other things that creep me out... Not sure how many of you all have participated in child care, but I've been volunteered by my wife on numerous occasions to help out in the church nursery, so I have. And there's something really unnerving about someone else's progeny standing in the middle of the floor staring into your soul while pooping their pants with one of these things dangling out of their mouth. Gives off these post-apocalyptic vibes, like a feral child that caught a rat in the sewers for family dinner. Maybe that's just me.
Oh wait, we're not done with the post apocalyptic vibes! Check out this Bo Jackson themed Lucille bat from The Walking Dead! Bo Knows eyeball dislodgement.
And thus concludes the 2024 Royals Holiday Shopping Guide addendum. What can I say, except you're...
Kansas City Royals 10'' x 10'' Welcome Gnomes Sign
Happy Holidays to you all.