The White Sox have lost 76 games. Can they beat fantasy baseball’s worst lineup?

The Rangers win, and the Memphis Rags make their national debut

The 2024 White Sox season slogs on. Pedro Grifol, in his apathetic, monotone voice that displays less humanity than an AI skipper, makes the bizarre claim that the team is almost there. John Schriffen calls another pitch “juicy.”

We are in baseball hell.

The White Sox are the final square of one-ply toilet paper that you can’t tear off the cardboard roll in the office bathroom. The 49 Western bus that your transit tracker app said would be at your stop 32 minutes ago. Having a headache while the preacher on State Street is yelling at you through his megaphone at point-blank range that you’ll burn in hell. The White Sox are an hour delay on I94. The brand new lifeguard who won’t let you swim past your waist at 31st Street Beach. The White Sox are Andrew Benintendi.

Tonight, the White Sox blew dicks again, but maybe you’ll get fired if you talk about that on the air (unless you’re Ozzie Guillén). The front office broadcast heads, as well as the social media department, force-fed fans a nostalgia-fueled replay of Mark Buehrle’s Perfect Game from 15 years ago ad nauseum today, because there’s not a single highlight from the current season for them to show.

It is mind-bending that we didn’t receive the inevitable blessing that would have been the firing of Pedro Grifol during All Star break. The verdict is in: Grifol is universally loathed on the South Side.

Instead, we got what was likely Garrett Crochet’s last start in a White Sox uniform before he’s sold off to the highest bidder, leaving South Siders starving for a baseball star.

The common story in 2024 with Crochet on the mound was often what happened after he was pulled. White Sox relievers have permanently stained this season with a humiliating legacy that will never be erased from the record.

Tonight, the South Siders were in hell with us, AKA Texas, to play the defending World Series champion Rangers and try to avoid the rolling blackouts for the second game in what will surely feel like an endless series of four.

The Rangers swung quickly out of the gate and were up by two runs in the first. The White Sox had a chance to tie in the second, but stranded runners at second and third with no outs, because of course they did.

The third inning saw the White Sox offense getting their acts together, with a Nicky Lopez double, followed by Andrew Vaughn smacking a slider to left field for his 44th RBI of the season, putting the South Siders within one.

In the fourth, Crochet gave up a hit to Marcus Semien, who reached base after Paul DeJong awkwardly barehanded to first, sending the ball sailing right past Vaughn’s glove. Wyatt Langford was walked, and Crochet didn’t return to the mound in the fifth. Was he pulled too early? Obviously, and we know who’s to blame.

Overall, Crochet pitched an impressive four innings, striking out seven and walking one.

Justin Anderson entered from the bullpen with an abysmal 5.13 ERA, but kept the Rangers score unchanged. Chad Kuhl also held down the fort for an inning, keeping the mound warm for Tanner Banks.

Look at the arm on Korey Lee. He got Jonah Heim by a mile.

Lee had a great game today, so obviously he was punished by being benched for a hitless Tommy Pham. Great moves, Pedro, really. Stellar stuff. Bravo.

Jon Grey was pulled in the eighth, having retired 15 White Sox batters in a row. Then things started to get messy for Banks. Marcus Semien got a base hit and moved to second on an infield out. Banks then tried to pick him off at second and lobbed it right past Nicky Lopez’s glove, missing it by a mile. It was a little league moment, and opened the door for Semien to score on a Josh Smith double. The Rangers increased their lead by two.

Then, in the ninth inning, a miracle happened.

Okay, it wasn’t a miracle, but John Schriffen thought it was super juicy.

Andrew “tomato boy” Benintendi hit a solo homer to not tie the game, Schriffen, you human fungal infection.

The Rangers won, 3-2.

The White Sox have lost nine games in a row, and now have 76 losses. It’s the 21st game that’s been decided by one run. It’s the worst offense in White Sox history.

This team is so bad, you can’t make it up. Well actually, we can. Let’s see how the White Sox line up against some of the worst players in the MLB. What’s the worst large city in the US without a baseball team? That’s right, Memphis. Our team, ladies and gentleman:

The Memphis Fuckrags (or the Rags, for fans) is a team consisting of some of the worst active players in the league. Here’s the roster:

And here are our matchups, based on tonight’s starting lineup:

Based on numbers alone, and the White Sox bullpen head-to-head against any other team’s bullpen, combined with the collective WAR, it looks like the Rags would smoke the White Sox. The Rags lineup isn’t the absolute bottom-of-the-barrel worst, but they’re pretty darn bad, even with Tony La Russa as their manager. I hate to say it, but La Russa is infinitely better than Grifol. I just vomited in my mouth.

So goodbye, probably, Garrett Crochet. You came out of nowhere this season and transformed from our middling reliever to our phoenix risen from the ashes after injury. You were a lone glimmer in the starless sky that is the 2024 White Sox season. Chicago loves you.

And to Jerry Reinsdorf, Pedro Grifol, and John Schriffen: