If It All Goes Wrong

fool me once...

Following the disastrous Battle of Carrhae, things changed in Rome. In modern day France, Gaius Julius Caesar defeated the last organized Gaulic resistance, and captured Vercingetorix, the so-called “king of all the Gauls.” The wealth that he plundered in Gaul made Caesar the richest Roman citizen, and his power and popularity was greater than almost anyone else in the city. Yet he still had one rival. His former political ally Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus.

During his time as consul that we don’t have to get into, Caesar had committed several crimes against the Senate and people of Rome. Pompey was the head of an anti-caesarian movement that aimed to prosecute Caesar for his crimes. Pompey had the backing of the Senate and aristocracy, Caesar had the backing of the people and his soldiers. And when Caesar crossed the Rubicon in 49 B.C.E., he started a civil war between himself and Pompey. A war which he won, defeating Pompey at the Battle of Pharsalus.

He did not have long to savor his victory. Due to his centralizing of power and complete disdain for the Republic’s institutions, Caesar was murdered by the Senate on March 15, 44 B.C.E. The would-be king was slain, his legacy incomplete.

Yet his life had proved to the Roman world that conquest was a gateway to power. Marcus Antonius, better known as Mark Antony, wanted Parthia to be his.

Antony did his research. He learned from Crassus’ defeat in 53 B.C.E., and got help from Roman allies in the region. Pontus, Galatia, Egypt, and Armenia all lent soldiers to the cause. All in all, Antony began his invasion of Parthia with nearly 100,000 soldiers, over twice as many as Crassus. And he invaded through the mountains of the north, neutralizing the Parthian cavalry advantage. At the start, at least, he did everything right.

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The Mariners added quite a few pieces in the offseason before 2024. Jorge Polanco and the returning Mitch Haniger were obviously centerpieces, and both had great spring trainings, but other additions like Mitch Garver and Luis Urías had high value themselves. Built around the strong core that already existed in the rock-solid pitching staff and top of the lineup, the Mariners looked to be a competitive team to start the year.

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Antony started his invasion, and found early success. In order to move quickly and catch the Parthians off guard, he left his baggage train behind in the mountains, and moved into Parthia. The Parthian army was expecting him to come through Mesopotamia, like Crassus, and so were shocked to learn that they had a Roman army at their back. But they reacted quickly.

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The Mariners had a strong April, finishing the month just one game behind the division-leading Astros. But it was hard going. The bullpen had to throw an ungodly amount of innings to get those wins. Former Mariner Justin Topa, who pitched in the second most games in 2023 - just behind Matt Brash - went on the IL at the start of the season. There were rumblings that the same thing could happen to current Mariners.

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After learning that Antony had descended on Parthia, the Parthian army quickly redeployed for a counter attack. They did not, however, attack Antony. Instead, they went up to Armenia and attacked the isolated baggage train. 10,000 Romans were killed, and Antony was cut off. And now, he had no more food.

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On May 14, just before a game with the Royals, we got the news. Andres Munoz was out for the season, requiring Tommy John surgery. It was bad enough news for a bullpen that had started to get a little bit choke happy as the weather warmed up. And then it got worse. Logan Gilbert went down with a knee injury, and then Mitch Haniger and Jorge Polanco collided in right field, both chasing down a towering popup. The pair would each be out for two months. Just like that, the Mariners centerpiece acquisitions were gone. And there were still months left in the season.

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A few years earlier, Parthia had actually preemptively invaded Roman Syria and Turkey. Led by the King’s son, the Parthian army rapidly stormed across the Euphrates river, capturing and killing the Roman governor of Turkey. But a commander under Antony’s command, a man named Publius Ventidius, handed the Parthians a series of defeats with just a couple legions. Ventidius managed to kill the Parthian prince in battle, and completely turned the tide of the war. For his efforts, the Senate and people of Rome awarded him with a triumph. Yet, after this, Ventidius disappears from our records. He is nowhere to be seen in our accounts of Antony’s invasion of Parthia.

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Just two years removed from being Rookie of the Year, and 1 year removed from a his second Silver Slugger and All-Star game appearance, Julio in 2024 seemed to be a shadow of his former self. Looking at the box scores of any given game, you’d never even know he was there. No one could really explain why, despite the countless think pieces on his slump. Really, the answer was simple. The team was nowhere, the fans were tired of losing after a glimmer of hope, and Julio just didn’t have enthusiasm. It’s hard to get pumped up about making a running catch when the No Fly Zone has 4 people in it. On a Saturday. Julio plays for us, and when we’re (justifiably) not there, there’s no one to play for.

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Despite the loss of the baggage train and constant raids from Parthian cavalry, Antony pressed on with his campaign and laid siege to the city of Phraata. If he captured the city, he would be able to sack and loot it, feeding his army. But the city’s garrison was determined, and the Parthian attacks were draining Antony’s manpower. It became too much for his army, and Antony was forced to abandon the siege and begin the long walk back to Armenia.

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We saw the writing on the wall by mid-June. The season was doomed, the Mariners were completely cooked. It didn’t take the sting off selling at the deadline. Losing Cal Raleigh was always going to hurt, no matter how prepared we were. Bryce Miller had stepped up during the lean months, so the team was able to sell high on him. But the team that finished the season was a pale shadow of the one that started it.

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For the 4-week march back to Armenia, Antony’s troops were constantly harassed and picked off by Parthian horse archers. Things barely improved when they made it to the mountains. They traded the human enemy in Parthian cavalry to the far more menacing foes of hunger and cold. The winter trek through the mountains was devastating. Countless Romans froze and starved to death. By the time Antony reached the Mediterranean coast, anywhere from a third to half of his army was dead.

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The Mariners were completely unable to rebuilds the team in the 2024/25 offseason. Free agent interest completely dried up after the unmitigated disaster of a season. And no one wanted to come back for another year of losing in the PNW cold. Jhonathan Diaz was number 3 in the rotation.

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Antony never truly recovered from the Parthian disaster. A few years later, his rival, Octavian, crushed him in two battles at Actium and Alexandria, the latter of which led to Antony’s death. Octavian had achieved unrivaled power over the Roman world. Already going by his adoptive father’s name, Gaius Julius Caesar, he would later be renamed Augustus Caesar and became the first Roman Emperor. He, not Antony, was the heir to Caesar’s legacy.

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But the lack of interest in players coming to Seattle was not the worst part of 2025. No, the worst part was that Anaheim had put in a surprisingly competitive year without Ohtani, and had nearly squeaked into the playoffs. Suddenly they were the up-and-comers in the AL West. And when the accursed Angels won the World Series in ‘25, it was more than Mariners fans could take.

2024 had been a franchise obliterating year, but it didn’t have to be. The Mariners did everything right at the start. Be it fate or karma, sometimes you are simply doomed. It could just as easily have gone the other way.