Haha! Better luck next time, suckers

In a radio-only, dinger-fueled shootout at the Less-Than-Ok Corral in wherever the hell Surprise, Arizona is, the Mariners out-blasted the Rangers today, 9-7. No Mariners players were injured in today’s action. This game doesn’t count for anything, but I don’t need much of an excuse to post this:

I’m kidding, of course. Nothing but respect for all the Rangers fans out there. All (checks notes) six of you. Your stadium plays like the surface of the sun most of the season and it sells an offensively large hot dog called a “boomstick,” named after the player who misplayed a ball that would have won the team’s first World Series ever and who subsequently became the Mariners’ second most beloved designated hitter of all time.

Well, anyways, let’s get to the highlights and whatnot.

Highlights

• The first inning started with another ho-hum infield single for Dee Gordon, then Jean Segura popped a single that moved Gordon to third. Guillermo Heredia followed with a sacrifice fly to complete the SPEED KILLS 1-2-3 top of the batting order with great aplomb.
• Speaking of Segura, he was out there trying to make up for lost time all in one day, going 3-3 with two RBI.
• Know who else got three hits? Mike Zunino did. And a walk, to boot. Mike is ready, you guys.
• Daniel Vogelbach continued to VOGELROCK this Spring Training with this towering shot to right field:

Bahgawd, Daniel, that ball has a family! Vogelbach went 2-4 with three RBI.

Sidenote: I’ve watched that video an absurd amount of times, first trying to figure out why the camera zooms in on the kid with glove when clearly it landed behind him on that grassy knoll, only to realize that the kid in red tosses a ball up the hill right at the same time the home run ball casually lands in the other kid’s glove by the railing. I can only assume the cameraman’s last name is Zapruder.

Lowlights

• Mike Leake got hit around quite a bit through 4 innings, surrendering nine hits, 3 of which were home runs. To be fair, the wind was blowing out to right field in a big way apparently and also, we are officially at doldrum status:

Leake is healthy and still getting his pitch count up so I’m not worried, just like it was no big deal when Paxton got lit up a bit last week. Yay for practice.

• Marc Rzepczynski had another truly wack appearance in the eighth inning where he faced one left-handed batter, a Rangers farm hand named Preston Beck, and promptly gave up a ground ball single. With a righty up next, he was yanked from the game immediately by Scott Servais, who is clearly not even gonna fuck around with Rzep facing righties, even in Spring Training. Servais is already in midseason bullpenning form, so watch your back, struggling relievers.

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SPLIT SQUAD ALERT! The Mariners play the Athletics again tomorrow at 1:05 PM and ALSO play the Angels at 1:10 PM. Marco Gonzales returns to the mound against the Angels and that one is on TV, woo!