Judo Chump: Washout at the Wawa

Somebody mad Hoagiefest is over, and it’s totally understandable.

Many people around the world are familiar with 7-11. It’s perhaps the most internationally recognized quick convenience store chain for all manner of junk food and other consumables.

But for those of us in the blessed Mid-Atlantic area, we have Wawa. A veritable bounty of wonders await the weary and hungry, as some of the best coffee brewed in big batches can be found and some of the most delectable sandwiches in any big chain. Soups? They got it. Ice cream? Sure. Mozzarella sticks and jalapeño poppers? Pretzels and muffins galore? Man, listen.

Imagine, dear reader, that you walk into a store that mostly sells food, with a reputation for being cleaned frequently. You’d imagine that venue being a safe haven for a consumer with a welcoming atmosphere, playing inoffensive music as you wait for your cigarettes and hot roast beef sandwich. Personally, I’m partial to the Gobbler.

But suddenly you’re confronted with the cold realities of the outside world, a reminder that nothing is sacred. Not even a place like Wawa is immune from violence and bull-headed behavior, and none of us are safe from the ugly truths of modern masculinity. One thing is for sure, it probably doesn’t smell like roast beef in the video below.

These two couldn’t do what decent people do, waiting until Thanksgiving to take out their long-lingering frustrations on that one scumbag uncle that clearly deserves it. They decided the cashier was to witness this virtuous battle, in full view of the Certs, which remain to this day to be two, two, two mints in one. Why they gotta do that in front of the Certs, man?

By the time you hit play, the cameraman is already salivating at what is about to happen next, as the man on bottom of mount has his buttcheeks exposed in front of God and country. They manage to fight to their feet and an employee referred to as Paul attempts to separate them. Paul realizes he’s overpowered as the beefier of the two men begins to press the smaller man that looks like Greg Universe fallen on hard times. Paul decides to exit this fracas, because he clearly isn’t getting paid enough for any of this and trips to the floor for his troubles. Should’ve done that sooner, Paul. We appreciate ya.

Now unimpeded by a third party, the fight is on as the larger man secures a headlock. For us true street fight connoisseurs, we know exactly what that means: somebody saw a UFC fight and has no idea what to do once they’ve wrapped an arm around the head. This sure looks easier on TV. But Safety Vest Steve is about that life, and he tries to counter with a double leg which also goes nowhere. His only recourse after that? Foot stomps and punches to the leg, two items I can personally assure you are not Philly staples.

Now that the larger of the two men is barefoot, we see them turn to the side and he’s at least wearing a mask. It’s not CDC-compliant as it’s not over his nose, but we’re living in times of true struggle. He keeps that grip on the headlock in what could be a metaphor for how COVID has held our nation. Since he’s still not pulling up his pants, them cheeks are still breathing free. That’s also got to be another metaphor for... something. Then the cameraman raises a good point - it’s two in the morning and they’re tired. If they wanted it to be over they’d let this die before one of them keels over from exhaustion. Any reasonable person would heed that advice and stop.

Come on. You know that’s not happening.

Little guy catches a second wind and they both tumble to knock over some sunglasses as they end up in the Dogfight position. Another good Samaritan separates them and Young Uncle Fester heads out in what resembles a controlled fall more than a run.

As I’ve said for years now: at some point in his life, every man thinks he can rap, and every man thinks he can fight. I don’t know if either of the gentlemen (and boy, is that term doing some heavy lifting) in this video think they’ve got bars to go up against Vince Staples. But the call for violence was there, and it’s not clear who was violating here. Ideally, videos like this have some footage that illustrates who instigated the fight and who brought it to the ground. Did they fall over, or did one of them do a wrestle? Just be glad that big dude’s gut spilled over so well that we didn’t get to see his phallus. If you can’t fight, maybe you shouldn’t put yourself in a position where you end up like this. Or as Vince Staples would say “you ain’t ready for that war then please don’t step across them tracks.“ Those tracks are now covered with skidmarks that poor old Paul gotta mop up. Hard times.

I really hope the guy recording this got his sandwich, though. Also hope it was a Gobbler.