A rooting guide to Europe’s World Cup qualifying playoffs
Your guide to Italy v. Sweden, Northern Ireland v. Switzerland, Croatia v. Greece, and Denmark v. Ireland.
We're used to amusing mistakes in football governance, but UEFA's latest slip-up might be the best one yet. After spending almost two full years trying to work out which European teams should attend the 2018 World Cup in Russia, they've got eight teams left … but only four spaces! How embarrassing!
Something has to be done, and that something is playoffs. Of course, football is always more fun when you've picked a side, so here are the matchups, along with a reason to throw your support behind each side. Pick your favourites, paint your face, and get onto Duolingo. You’ve a nation to adopt.
Northern Ireland vs. Switzerland
Over the last few years, Northern Ireland have quietly but consistently overachieved at international level. They qualified for their first-ever European Championship in 2016, made it through to the first knockout round, and were only eliminated by Wales after an unfortunate own goal. Now they're on the verge of their first World Cup since 1986. Between the Northern Irish, Wales, and everybody's favourites Iceland, international football is enjoying a moment of the minnows. And it's extremely pleasing.
On the other hand, Switzerland going through would probably be a victory for natural justice. They finished level on points with Portugal in Group B, and only their inferior goal difference condemned them to the playoffs. And while they may not be quite the plucky underdogs of Northern Ireland, they're quite a bit better to watch.
Croatia vs. Greece
With the nation's game beleaguered by corruption claims and boycotts, the Croatian national team might well be drawing more support from neutrals than their own fans. For neutrals have the luxury of focusing on what really matters: maximising the amount of time that Luka Modric is playing football. Real Madrid's delightful midfielder is 32 years old, somehow, and hasn't got many big tournaments left in him. Enjoying the World Cup already requires ignoring all manner of complicated unpleasantness. What's a little more head-burying between friends?
That said, Greece should be given automatic qualification to any tournament they care to consider, on the off chance that they can pull off another Euro 2004-style upset. The World Cup, the America's Cup, the Great British Bake Off … yes, Mr. Papastathopoulos, those are some wonderful scones.
Denmark vs. Republic of Ireland
If Luka Modric sits on top of the Diminutive Soft-Shoed Playmaker power rankings, then Christian Eriksen comes in a close second. Tottenham's most adorable player scored eight times in qualifying, and — hang on. NICKLAS BENDNTER IS IN THE SQUAD. REPEAT: NICKLAS BENDNTER IS IN THE SQUAD. LOOKS LIKE 2017 IS OFFICIALLY GOOD AGAIN. COME ON DENMARK.
We don't care about the Republic of Ireland's proud history of World Cup upsets, we don't care how much fun the fans are, we don't care that they're definitely owed something after Thierry Henry's handsiness. We've doubled checked, and there isn’t a single Nicklas Bendtner in the Irish squad. Martin O'Neill must resign.
Sweden vs. Italy
How long have you got? Blue shirts. Marco Tardelli. Four previous victories. Roberto Baggio. That game against West Germany. Alessandro Del Piero. That game against a reunited Germany. Claudio Gentile. That game against Brazil. Dino Zoff. And on and on. A World Cup without Italy would feel fundamentally incomplete. And if that weren't enough, this will almost certainly be Gianluigi Buffon's final tournament.
Which is, if we're being honest, making kind of tricky to find a reason to support Sweden. It's not personal, Sweden. We're all big fans of your work. But unless you can get Zlatan Ibrahimovic out of retirement and back to full fitness at some point over the next week, well … ci dispiace.