ARSENAL SIGN GOAL MONSTER

Arsenal finally did it. The haters said it wouldn’t happen. The haters were wrong.

Welcome to Arsenal, Viktor Gyokeres.

The headline is clear: Arsenal just signed the most prolific striker in Europe.

He scored 54 goals in 52 appearances. That’s a disgusting number. It’s a level of output that is freakish, even when contextualised against a weak Portuguese League. His 39 league goals haven’t been matched in 20 years.

This guy is a relentless monster of a player. He dreams of goals and he delivers them. He has a very good record in the Champions League, he does it for the national side, and his record of fitness is astonishing. He’s built of that Ronaldo stuff.

Mentioning Ronaldo? Yeah. It’s hyperbole time. If Isak is the Messi of forwards in the Swedish beauty contest, then Gyokeres is Cristiano Ronaldo. The touch might not be the same, the vision might not be there, the goals aren’t as wild… at his best, he’s just a dirty goal junky whose sole aim in life is to get a hit of that feeling when he rattles the net.

There is cause for concern. The top scorers in the Portuguese League read as a who’s who of WTF:

2024/25: Viktor Gyokeres (Sporting CP) - 39 goals / 34 rounds
2023/24: Viktor Gyokeres (Sporting CP) - 29 goals / 34 rounds
2022/23: Mehdi Taremi (FC Porto) - 22 goals / 34 rounds
2021/22: Darwin Nunez (SL Benfica) - 26 goals / 34 rounds
2020/21: Pedro Gonçalves "Pote" (Sporting CP) - 23 goals / 34 rounds
2019/20: Carlos Vinicius (SL Benfica) - 18 goals / 34 rounds
      Mehdi Taremi (Rio Ave) - 18 goals / 34 rounds
      Luis Miguel Afonso "Pizzi" (SL Benfica) - 18 goals / 34 rounds
2018/19: Haris Seferovic (SL Benfica) - 23 goals / 34 rounds
2017/18: Jonas Gonçalves Oliveira (SL Benfica) - 34 goals / 34 rounds
2016/17: Bas Dost (Sporting CP) - 34 goals / 34 rounds
2015/16: Jonas Gonçalves Oliveira (SL Benfica) - 32 goals / 34 rounds
2014/15: Jackson Martínez (FC Porto) - 21 goals / 34 rounds
2013/14: Jackson Martínez (FC Porto) - 20 goals / 30 rounds
2012/13: Jackson Martínez (FC Porto) - 26 goals / 30 rounds
2011/12: Óscar Cardozo (SL Benfica) - 20 goals / 30 rounds
      Rodrigo José dos Santos "Lima" (Braga) - 20 goals / 30 rounds
2010/11: Givanildo Vieira de Souza "Hulk" (FC Porto) - 23 goals / 30 rounds
2009/10: Óscar Cardozo (SL Benfica) - 26 goals / 30 rounds
2008/09: Anderson Miguel da Silva "Nene" (Nacional) - 20 goals / 30 rounds
2007/08: Lisandro López (FC Porto) - 24 goals / 30 rounds
2006/07: Liedson Muniz (Sporting CP) - 15 goals / 34 rounds
2005/06: Meyong (CF Os Belenenses) - 17 goals / 34 rounds

Darwin Nunez the most famous, but we also have famous duds like Hulk in there. None of those names went on to bigger and better, demonstrating the dangers of buying out of a league that is Russian Roulette, but, you know, with more bullets than is fair.

So what do we have going for us?

Andrea Berta is investing a lot of personal capital in this move. He has to be right. Get this wrong and the “BERTA IS MY DADDY” people online will pivot so hard to fraud talk you wouldn’t believe it.

Mikel Arteta also has to be on board with this mission. Yes, his taste in forwards has been pretty disgraceful, but to be fair to him, he’s never gone out of his way to buy an actual 9. All his purchases have been conversion jobs. Havertz was a left 8, Gabi Jesus was a striker-curious type of player, the only other relationship he had with a 9 was maxing out Auba.

Both men need this to work for them, so you’d have to imagine they have extensively vetted the move, because this really will be make or break for our season.

He’s going to score 14 goals in his first 10 games or it’ll be two… I don’t really see a middle ground. I’m hoping his drive and determination to be great powers him into the hearts and minds of everyone who watches him. The idea that he’s going to sit on the bench is absurd. This guy is here to lead the line and give us output our forwards lacked last season. He’s a genuine star, he has pedigree against great teams, and Arsenal know what he’s like to face off against. MLS looked gassed online to hear the news.

Arteta must be scheming how to get the most out of him. He’s not perfect, his touch isn’t great, he’s not a tight spaces kind of guy, and he’ll need to get used to the pace of Arsenal. But what we do know about him… he’s a dogged player who dealt with Brighton rejection, he powered his way to Sporting after a strong stint at Coventry, and then he exploded under Amorim, who despite the bullshit at United, was one of the most highly rated coaches on the planet.

Will we pair him with Kai Havertz? Is he going it alone? Will we change the system to work to his strengths? Will Arteta have him improving aerially?

So many questions…

This is a major signing. I’ve been skeptical, but I’m just really happy we made a decision, pushed the deal over the line, and now we can all get behind the move and hope that he represents the biggest value deal of the summer. If he bangs like he did in Portugal, we have a monster on our hands, and we will win the Premier League. A lot is resting on his output, so pray to the footballing gods we get it right.

Only one more signing to be made… Eze. Then we’re stocked. Arsenal finally did enough in a summer for us to be happy that we have the right amount of players. That’s progress. Then we see if they’re good enough.

Let me know what YOU think in the comments. x