Hovis’ Paris diary: ‘Guys, we need legs like riverdance and faster switchback turns than a politician on the radio’

Dear Diary

What can I say? I did the “I told you so” yesterday so I think it’s “I told you so with a cherry on top” today. Did I or did I not tell you all for YEARS that I am the greatest secret weapon in the equestrian world? In my hay day I would have gone around that course myself in a way that no one would have seen before – now I am a little older, a little wiser and slightly more creaky, I have held fast to the view that I would make the best chef de squeak the world has ever seen. Due to the vision, bravery and foresight of their new CEO, British Eventing came to their senses and admitted this and LOOK WHAT IS HAPPENING…

Under my guidance, tutelage and mentorship the team are going amazingly, surpassing all expectations and nailing every instruction I have given them. They may not have my muscles, my feathers or my moustache, but I could not be more proud of my featherless flight birds. They are like my little penguin chicklets and I am a very proud dad.

But we have a couple of hurdles still to come, firstly the trot-up (knees up, knees up), and then one last job to do and that’s showjumping.

In my day I was an awesome showjumper – if we gloss over my arguments with mother over strides, an inability to stop once hitting warp speed in indoor arenas, and an unfortunate incident when I abandoned a round half way through to go and get an ice-cream, then I was seriously good.

So in one final installment one last behind the scenes listen to my team talk this morning:

“Team,

Guys, what can I say? You were all amazing yesterday – Dubs you so got the gallopy gallopy, jumpy, jumpy bit nailed. Awesome job my Southern Irish named mate.

Dan – considering you decided to ad-lib Cinderella, you were awesome. Word to the wise however – can we try and keep our shoes on today?

Walter – unlucky dude, but I hear tales of a long lie-in and an extra cross-aunt yesterday. What did I tell you? Just think about what you eat today – we do not need flatulence over those poles. All of them need to stay the heck up.

So, I know you’re all tired and everything aches but we have one last job to do.

Today is about speed and accuracy – sort of like mother downing drinks before last orders. We need you to do a dirty dancing and “be like the wind”, only the non-blowy type. We need legs up into our undercarriage like a 747 carrying a load of vestal virgins. We need to be more streamlined than a greased weasel with the turning circle of a fat fighter who missed the desert station at the buffet. We need faster switchback turns than a politician on the radio and the vertical take off capabilities of a eurofighter with gas.

Walter, you’re up first. As before – you go and suss out every plant pot, flower and camera position and when none of its eats you then the rest of you can relax.

Looks, there’s bound to be more fillers out there than in the entire cast of TOWIE but they are not going to hurt you. Any monster / carnivore / horse-eating menace is wanting prime beefcake and that’s me. You’re all like a sticks of celery to these creatures – chewy, low calorie and not worth the effort. If anyone if under threat it’s me and I’m prepared to brave it so suck it up my little buttercups and get on with it.

Your pilots are bound to be tired too so no flattening them in the trot up, just because you’ve been dragged out of bed early either. Just do it like you did the other day and all will be fine. No hooves up to anyone – we will save that when we are the winners – not before.

So in summary, legs tucked up and crossed like you’re attending a riverdance convention, count your strides, keep your eyes open and don’t forget to engage your upwards thrusters. Once again I am metaphorically and emotionally lending you my feathers so my little chicklets you can fly. So boingy boingy, bouncey bouncey, neaty feety and non party farty.

Hooves in my tired little Hovite heros. One last ride – urn, duh, two car… GO TEAM!”

Watch our amazing team live on TV, or live streaming, wave your flags for my boys – and whether you’re back in Blighty, with us in Versaille, or elsewhere around the world, post your pictures of you supporting us all with #HovisInParis #Hovisheretohelp.

One last ride peoples, one last ride.

I’m off to find a plant-pot to hide behind – I’m not sure I dare to watch…

Laters,
Hovis

Catch up on Hovis’ previous Paris diaries…

[col;ection]