Hovis’ Paris diary: ‘My little hairless Olympic chicklets were incredible’

Dear diary,

I don’t like to say I told you so. It lacks decorum, class and refinement.

Ha! Screw that!

TOLD YOU SO!

Have I not for YEARS told British Eventing (BE) that if they used me, world domination was inevitable? And, thanks to the vision and frankly the ability to admit that they have been wrong from the BE grande fromage Rosie, who had the humility and respect to fall on her sword and ask for my help, we exited yesterday with a record-breaking Team Stressage score. That record was held previously by the Ozzies for their impressive 68.6 in Hong Kong in 2008. We smashed that with 66.7 yesterday and, let’s be honest here, there is one reason for that…

They all listened to me.

‘Dubs’ went first and did an awesome job, importantly coming back and telling ‘Dan’ and ‘Walter’ where all the horse-eating things appeared to be lurking and also the news they prefer Clydesdale chowder to thoroughly bred tatin.

Then Dan went and did flicky toes EXACTLY as I told him to do. He remembered the no Dory rule and counted like a champ; his boings were boingy and he and Laura deserved to break the records. He knows, of course, if I had been competing it would have been a whole different story and we had a manly hug behind the scenes to recognise my passing of the torch. I have transcended my own talents and it’s not about me now peoples, it’s about my team and my country.

Walter and I had a long chat in the wait until his dressage and the boy went and did exactly as we discussed. I never thought I could be so proud of anything with no feathers, but my little hairless chicklets were incredible. I almost had a lump in my throat, but that would have got in the way of the grass so I got myself together pretty quickly.

So now we have to focus on today. Yet again in the spirit of transparency I will share with you my team talk from this morning:

“Team,

You were all awesome yesterday and I sincerely hope that we have taken one thing away from it; follow me and we are all good. As a shadow Chef de Squeak, I am without compare; I know your human Chef de Squeak is amazing, but frankly he has two legs so he will never see it my way – and as I’m half blind, I see it in a VERY special way.

And that’s going to be important.

You and your pilots need to agree which one of you is going to have your eyes shut over each jump. There is only an option for one of you to poop yourself at any given time, so please ensure that you have figured out the brown knickers and the eyes wide shut thing ahead of time.

So let’s talk tactics.

This course is fast and twisty in places, so please go easy on the cross-aunts tomorrow and think about a light breakfast. Or act like my mother every time she sees a camera and suck everything in – it’s only 9min2sec of your life and then you can breathe out… remember oxygen is overrated. Seriously, I know you’re all slim, non-feathered types but there’s more tricky and skinny fences here than a pre “Marbs” episode of TOWIE – you’re going to need to have the razor sharp focus of a fat fighter hunting the last After Eight…

Walter, my friend. I know you are a Lord and all that, but please try not to get distracted with all the castles – there are a LOT of them, but this is not an episode of Homes Under The Hammer, so let’s just focus.

At fence 13 make sure you leave the oars where they are. We are the equestrian team, not the rowing team – our boat boys brought their own gear with them, we don’t need to be helpful and take them extras.

Fence 18 does look like you’re dive bombing Rudolf, but I can assure you that Father Kissmuss will forgive you all – your presents are not in jeopardy and so just launch yourselves over it. Yes Dubs, if it’s a big deer then you are right it’s a buck, but that doesn’t mean you have to do one. Trust me.

I know fence 24 looks like the steps in Rocky, but there will be NO Eye Of The Tiger moment here peoples – just jump the bloody thing and move on. Gallopy gallopy, jumpy, jumpy, and repeat.

In short, I need you to be fast, slim-lined and focused. Basically everything my mother isn’t…

None of you will jump this course the way I would and we all accept that, but you all love cross-country so go and enjoy it – I will metaphorically and emotionally lend you my feathers so you can all fly.

So, hooves in my little Hovis’ heroes. Gallop like you’ve never galloped before, jump like grasshoppers on a promise, keep your pilots in the plate and come home victorious and safe. Urn, duh, two car, GO TEAM!”

As always, please watch our team, show them every bit of support in the Hovite Army – wave my flags and will them all home. We all know they won’t do it like me, but by god, they’re going to try.

I’m off to suss out the showjumping for tomorrow #HovisinParis #Hovisheretohelp #HovisWithUs

Laters,

Hovis

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