Hovis’ Paris diary: ‘Guys, this is not the time for ad-libbing or any artistic interpretation’

Dear Diary

I know – multiple entries from me but this is extenuating circumstances – it’s not often that the fate of British eventing Olympic success lies in a boy’s hooves so c’est la vie.

I am now firmly getting down with this Fronsay and am finding that the French mares appear to be a little more l’aisse faire with their morals than their British counterparts. Not that there is any time for le hankie pankie because we have work to do.

Today is after all stressage day.

Now I know what you’re all thinking – what on earth does a big manly unit like The Destroyer know about stressage? My friends – you are forgetting what I did for Nip and Tuckshop. Just because I view it as a total waste of time, indeed in my world “flatwork” is the bit between two fences, does not mean I doesn’t understand it. It means I choose to run away from it like mother away from a set of scales – with as much speed as one can muster without actually breaking into an outright run…

However, this is not about me.

This is about my country.

So, once again, in the interests of transparency here is a transcript of our team talk this morning…

“Team

Look, I get it. No one wants to be bobbing about in the big arena unless there’s fences in there, but look at this like the starter you have to eat before the fab desert – the Less-cargo before the MILF feuille. (Keep your mind on the job here my Southern Irish friend, mind on the job, but let me assure you, if we win you and I are SO going to find out what that is).

I know you’ve all been having advice from stressage coachy types but let’s keep this simple.

First off ensure that your pilots have strapped all sausages and baps down tightly – we do not need any reenactments of ferrets fighting in a bag when doing the sitting trot. Nor any injuries due to unsecured airbags… I’ve been there with mother looking like a raccoon… it’s not a good look…

Secondly, just accept that you’re going to look a plonker, take a deep breath and dance like no one is watching even though you know the eyes of the world are on you. Think pointy legs and flicky toes and imagine you’re at a barre. No London, they don’t sell gin, it’s not that kind of bar…

This is not the time to forget how to count. If you’re supposed to do four boingy boingy bits then its FOUR, not three or five. We do not get extra marks for more or less boing. Don’t do a Dory, concentrate and COUNT.

Whatever else this is not the time for ad-libbing or any form of artistic interpretation of the ask. I appreciate coming from the king of freestyle moves this may be hard to hear, but for the few moments that are required we need you to harmoniously dance with your humans – even if they have two left feet, no sense of rhythm and the moves from the back-catalogue of a geriatric Justin Trousersnake.

This is the Olympics thus you need to remember if you want gold then you are NOT a pirate. X does not mark the spot so DO NOT STOP AT IT. I know in any other stressage test in all the fields in all the world you do, but today you do not. We will subtly wave a Hovis flag – just follow the flag peoples and do NOT stop until you reach it. NOT the flag on my ass, no Graff, the wavey type…

Dubs you’re up first. You need to assess all the flower-pots, cameras etc for danger and report back. There will be NO squad spooking. If it didn’t eat Dubs then it’s not going to eat the rest of you – it’s clearly more interested in prime Hovis beefcake and I’m going to be safely back here ensuring I have my Eventing CEO buddy to throw at any French flower fiends.

Hooves in peoples, hooves in; go out there and pretend you are Billy Whatshisface, prancey dancey and it will be over before you know it. Then we get to do the fun stuff and go rumpy jumpy tomorrow. Right guys you lead the numbers… urn, duh, twoir GO TEAM!”

Make sure you watch all the action today live on TV with our guys going out at 9.18am, 1.27pm and 4.21pm British time. Show yourselves waving your Hovis flags and remember to hashtag everything #HovisInParis #Hovisheretohelp #HovisWithUs

I’m off to walk the cross-country course and suss out the situation.

Laters,
Hovis