I want Conor McGregor to kick Floyd Mayweather’s head into outer space so nobody wins

The only good outcome of McGregor-Mayweather is for both fighters to lose.

Every boxing expert agrees: Conor McGregor has no realistic chance to beat Floyd Mayweather, Jr. The Irishman’s primary skill, as it pertains to this fight, is his ability to sell a fight; conventional wisdom and reality agree that McGregor, a novice boxer, has no chance against the son of a boxing great who became one himself.

Mayweather’s 49-0 record is the result of cagey match selection and an exacting dedication to produce the most boring fights you’ve ever regretted spending $50 on. You don’t approach half a hundred professional matches without a loss by taking chances, and this circus is the surest thing in Mayweather’s long career.

That’s why, as soon as the opening bell dings, I want to see Conor McGregor round-house kick Mayweather’s head into the sun. Then, rather than saying another word in public, McGregor can go live on the bottom of the ocean, exiled by Dana White and the Nevada State Athletic Commission.

This is the resolution to the fight that we all deserve. McGregor, who has no chance to win, will take the loss by disqualification, but also never bask in our gratitude from the lonely black depths of the Marianas Trench. Floyd Mayweather, a serial abuser of women who escaped 34 years in jail by plea bargaining down to a 90-day sentence, will get kicked in the head by one of the best mixed martial artists in the world.

And everyone who spends their hard-earned dollars on this spectacle of bullshit will be treated to four seconds of entertainment that will feel like the rip-off that it most assuredly is. (Still a better deal than 12 rounds of Pacquiao-Mayweather, though.)

There are haters, though, who don’t want to see Mayweather’s head fly off his body, crash through the ceiling of the MGM Grand, and carom into outer space. I know this because I have been pushing my head-kick agenda on Twitter —

— and every time, I have to field responses from “realists” who claim it won’t happen. So let’s address these arguments.

“McGregor won’t jeopardize his purse!”

The unimaginative lost souls who don’t want to see Mayweather’s head fly through the cold void of space are quick to point out that there are almost assuredly stipulations in the contract that void McGregor’s payout if he resorts to MMA tactics.

However, although White assured the press that there will be no kicking or elbows in this boxing match sanctioned by the Nevada State Athletic Commission, we don’t know the exact details of the contract signed by McGregor and Mayweather. And until there are specifics that prove otherwise, I say the head-kick is still in play.

“Mayweather would sue McGregor for everything he’s got.”

Au contraire! History has yet to produce a successful lawsuit waged by someone whose disembodied head is on a collision course with the yellow dwarf that heats our world.

HOWEVER, should Mayweather be kicked in the head without it detaching from his body, a lawsuit does seem to be a likely result. This should only incentivize McGregor to kick Mayweather’s head even harder to ensure that it flies clean off. He can’t afford to take any chances.

“McGregor would go to prison!”

It is reasonable to assume, should Mayweather be unable to sue because his head maintained escape velocity even after punching through the roof of the MGM Grand Garden Arena, that McGregor would be arrested and charged with ... I don’t know, unregulated satellite launch and improper disposal of human waste, probably. That hardly seems worthy of a prison term.

I could be wrong, though. After all, the Nevada courts have a long history of catering to Mayweather even as he continued to assault the women close to him. But would they continue to do so after his head sailed through the ionosphere and he no longer represented a boon to the state’s economy? I doubt it.

“McGregor can’t kick a head into space!”

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a physicist, but if we’re not going to trust scientists on global warming, why should we trust them when they say a head can’t be kicked into space?

For the sake of argument, though, let’s say Mayweather attempts to dodge McGregor’s kick, resulting in a glancing blow. Surely, that would fail to deliver the requisite force for cranial space travel. If that were to happen, then I would accept the lesser outcome of McGregor taking the fight to the ground and raining hammer fists on Mayweather until the referee dragged him away.

Still, it would be better if he kicked his head into the sun.

“But I don't want to live in a world where McGregor is the hero!”

Me neither. McGregor’s history of racist jabs at black and Latino opponents ensures there’s no protagonist here — only villains who will make millions of dollars for a fight we never wanted. That’s why, once McGregor’s usefulness as a rocket booster to Mayweather’s head is exhausted, we can seal him in a glass box and send him to the bottom of the ocean, where he can live a long and fulfilling life measuring his dick against shipworms.

THAT is how this irredeemable fight can be redeemed: with the irredeemable fighters, both losers, hurtling away from each other, exiled beyond our shared plane of existence.