He’s Just Not That Into You: Warriors Deadline Edition

Does anyone want to join the Warriors this season? Is Mike Dunleavy, Jr. not picking up on the signals?

In both dating and the madcap world of NBA deadline transactions, it’s easy to get your hopes up and even easier when you ignore the obvious signs in front of you. For the Golden State Warriors, one of those signs is when a player that spent three seasons with your organization has Shams Charania go on ESPN to reject you.

Here’s a good way to tell that an NBA superstar’s just not that into you. First, he leaves as an unrestricted free agent, even though you just went to the NBA Finals three times together. Another sign is when he goes on to rip your head coach’s offense, then tells his former teammate needs therapy, then expresses no interest in a reunion in 2023, even when he demands a trade off of his new team.

Shockingly, the Warriors finally took the hint and are moving on.

With Durant out of the picture, the Warriors are running out of stars. They seem to have ignored some obvious hints from LeBron James, who they were reportedly pursuing this week. Some of those hints included:

• He works in a different city. Not just for basketball, but as a television producer and acclaimed actor, known for his brilliant performances as “LeBron James.”
• He has a kid. Who is on his basketball team.
• When the Warriors have expressed interest in him in a trade, or as a free agent, or in a trade again, James has said he’s not interested. (BIG red flag!)
• He’s hanging out with a new, younger guy from Eastern Europe.

LeBron’s just not that into you, Joe Lacob!

Then there’s Jimmy Butler, who is clearly coming out of a bad relationship with Pat Riley, and isn’t willing to commit to the Warriors long-term. You deserve better, Mike Dunleavy, Jr. He’s just not that into you!

This summer, they made a push for Lauri Markkanen, but he was never going to leave his old partner, Danny Ainge! Still, the Warriors let two tall blonde guys string them along for weeks, while alienating people in their life like Brandin Podziemski and Jonathan Kuminga, not to mention the loyal and patient Kevon Looney, essentially the Steve to Joe Lacob’s Miranda. Don’t just throw him aside for a non-binary standup comedian with a sitcom deal!

Now they’re eyeing Brandon Ingram, who is clearly damaged goods. Six months ago, the Warriors wanted nothing to do with him. Now they’re so desperate that they’re drunk-dialing David Griffin at 2 AM? The only saving grace with Ingram is that they won’t get deceived by a player, because Ingram hasn’t played in an NBA game in two months.

The problem with the Warriors front office pursuing all these unattainable men is that it blinds them to the possibilities around them. While they were mooning over Kevin Durant and analyzing his tweets for hidden messages, there was a perfectly good Zach LaVine sitting there shooting 45% from three-point range. Now they’ve got to watch as their old friend Vivek starts a relationship with him.

The same goes for Nikola Vucevic, who is a little older, and maybe not as sexy as some of these other guys. But say what you will about his body, he’s a straight shooter, which is more than we can say about some of the big men out here in the Bay Area.

Will the Warriors find a man this February? It’s looking increasingly unlikely. They might end up spending Valentine’s Day doing their taxes — that is, cutting $5.987 million to get under the luxury tax. And just like that, they’ll be in the play-in tournament again.