Spies and Experts Reveal How Harrison Faigen and others are surviving the NBA Hiatus

Spies and Experts Reveal How Harrison Faigen and others are surviving the NBA Hiatus

With the NBA hiatus officially entering its third week, it is becoming increasingly clear how the lack of hoops is affecting everybody differently. I myself am writing a number of lengthy, pointless SS&R fan-posts instead of finishing editing my latest novel, while the Lakers players, according to Danny Green, are staying in touch while hoping for a returned season. And somehow part-time a-hole-slash-cry-baby Mark Cuban seems suddenly optimistic games can return as soon as May.

Of course, with the Lakers seemingly en-route to 60+ wins and a potentially championship campaign, our local Lakers bloggers and podcasters have been hit harder than most. Therefore out of curiosity as much as pure boredom (and procrastination, because who likes to edit), I reached out to my vast network of spies to determine exactly how Harrison Faigen, Anthony Irwin, and others are surviving so far. Here is what I found.

Harrison Faigen:

For anyone who took the time to read my post last July revealing how Harrison Faigen almost became the coach of the Los Angeles Lakers, you know I have a number of well-placed sources when it comes to the fearless leader of the SS&R community. As usual, they were eager to share.

First, the good news. In an era that may ultimately signal the death of such archaic social rituals as the bro hug, the handshake and the cheek kiss, the eminently awkward Harrison has been well trained for the transition. In fact, although details of its origins are sketchy, two different sources who attended school with a pubescent Faigen say that his nickname all the way up through eleventh grade was ‘social distancing'.

Now the bad news. Although he has thus far avoided discussing it on any podcasts, a close confidant revealed to me that Harrison recently survived a pretty intense health scare, one in which he started to experience the telltale symptoms of a Coronavirus infection.

First there was a general lack of energy, then an intense fever, followed by a hacking dry cough, then sweating. In the latter stages he was having serious trouble breathing, and finally even began vomiting. When things looked most dire he raced to a doctor, who indicated that these were in fact many of the stages of the Coronavirus infection, but in the wrong order. The doctor also noted that those who are infected take weeks to recover, and never go through all of the stages in the first five minutes after reading about them. He then recommended Harrison to an excellent therapist.

Outlook: Harrison is apparently once again symptom free, and back to full strength. Or in this case, back to full "Harrison" strength, which is still pretty decent for an animal who was ripped from its natural habitat on the African plains, and then forced to attend a non-descript college for over a dozen years while knowing full well that he would never see his giraffe brothers and sisters again. In many ways he is a hero.

Anthony Irwin:

Pardon my espanol, but chinga this guy...seriously.
I mean, first of all he marries someone who outclasses him in every category, then somehow finds a way to make a living from his couch. Next he proceeds to somehow inveigle that same woman into having a child with him, and if that's not enough, he randomly lets us know that he is still a Laker fan, only he has upped and moved to Texas. TEXAS! I mean, sure Austin is an arts and culture hub (I preformed stand up there 25 years ago and it was awesome), but as my old buddy Kyle who went to school in San Antonio would say...it's still surrounded by freaking Texas!

Anyhow, just as I suspected, my sources in the Lone Star state indicate the NBA hiatus hasn't affected this opinionated, ill-informed, La-Z-Boy broadcaster one bit. As a matter of fact, according to a particularly well-placed, anonymous source, this guy could probably "host a poorly researched podcast about any profession, and even with no training or expertise in that particular field, still somehow point out with complete confidence what somebody with a lifetime of experience and training is doing wrong."

A second source agreed, even taking the idea a step further. "Maybe during the NBA hiatus dentists could live broadcast oral surgery, and then Anthony could watch the broadcast and point out how this is the worst dentist he has ever seen, and how he would have done the root canal completely differently."

Because of his notoriously short temper and aversion to facts, both sources were initially reluctant to allow me to print their quotes. Fortunately Anthony has admitted repeatedly over the years to reading virtually no media, especially Laker related media, so I reassured Dr. Jen, er, I mean, both of my anonymous sources, that he won't see this anyway. She/they agreed.

Christian Rivas (and others):

If you read my piece about Harrison almost becoming the Laker coach, then you know I am of the firm belief that Christian Rivas, Alex Regla, Alex Padilla, Sabreena Merchant and Jas Kang are all actually Russian bots that Harrison reprogramed to write articles and host podcasts so he wouldn't have to pay any actual professional, human writers. My sources have all but confirmed as much. Nuff said.

Pete Zayas:

In Pete's case I didn't actually reach out to any sources close to the founder of Lakers Film Room to see how he was doing, but instead tapped a friend from the world of academia to get a better handle on just how much this unexpected break in what was shaping up to be a championship season has likely affected our intrepid videographer. Below is a short transcript of our conversation.

Me: Hi Doctor Willis, thank you for joining us. For the sake of readers at home would you give us a quick summary of your area of expertise, and then talk about Pete specifically.

Doctor Willis: Sure, Chris...and thanks. My name is Doctor Hannah Willis, PHD. I am a fully tenured professor, and am currently serving as The Director of the UCLA Institute for Advanced Primate studies.

Me: Primates, you mean like monkeys?

Doctor Willis: Monkeys are primates, true, but I personally specialize in a narrow subset of Homo Sapiens-Sapiens, who as a group have a biological rhythm that isn't connected to the daily rise and fall of the sun, a ‘circadian rhythm' like you and I have, but instead seem to have a delicate yet immutable connection to the rise and fall of the LA Laker NBA franchise.

Me: That sounds pretty complicated, doctor. But for simplicity sake, would it be fair to say that you are more or less and expert on people like Pete?

Doctor Willis: That would be fair.

Me: Ok, great. Well then, as a leading ‘Zayologist', tell us how you would expect Pete to be doing at a time like this.

Doctor Willis: Well Chris, there is a lot that goes into that question. But as you might expect, most if not all of the effects from such a severe disruption of the Laker season would be particularly detrimental to someone like Pete.

Me: Take us through the stages he might be going through right now, if you can.

Doctor Willis: Sure. First would be the confusion. Where someone like you and I would undoubtedly be bummed when we heard the news of a postponed and possibly cancelled season, Pete would almost surely go into immediate shock.

Me: And is that dangerous?

Doctor Willis: You bet it is, especially for Pete.

Me: How so?

Doctor Willis: Well, as many of you know the Lakers recently underwent six straight years of losing seasons. Now, normally a streak of even two or three such seasons would wreak havoc on Pete's immune system, but six in a row could have been downright deadly.

Me: And it almost was.

Doctor Willis: That's probably true. I mean, I didn't personally examine Pete after that horrendous Lakers run and his ensuing health scare, but I wouldn't be surprised if the temporary ‘high' of LeBron joining the team followed by the ‘low' of his first real injury and yet another LA playoff absence was what almost caused Pete's internal organs to explode.

Me: Okay, back to the hiatus. What comes after confusion?

Doctor Willis: Step two is depression. For Pete this means lots of old tape of Kobe, Shaq, Pau, Lamar and others, along with a large amount of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch cereal eaten straight from the box.

Me: And how long does that last?

Doctor Willis: Days, weeks, months even. In fact, lab research as well as empirical data indicate that, given an uninterrupted wi-fi signal and unlimited supply of junk food, a full grown ‘Zayas' like Pete can go for months at a time in this mode.

Me: That doesn't sound healthy.

Doctor Willis: Not for you and me, no.

Me: Okay, so what is the third stage?

Doctor Willis: Well Chris, this is where things get tricky. During other unexpected disruptions such as a labor strike or owner's lockout, Pete can probably stay more or less safe in this mode for weeks if he has to. However this current situation has a sort of ‘soft deadline' to it.

Me: A soft deadline?

Doctor Willis: Yes. You see normally, come the beginning of April, a healthy Zayas starts to put on an extra layer of body fat in preparation for his extended hibernation during the offseason. Of course a long postseason run can stretch this caloric ‘storing' period out into May or even June, but the resultant joy associated with playoff success will typically offset any health deficits caused by a delayed hibernation. Unfortunately this also means that, as we get closer to that date, April 1st I mean, and if games haven't restarted, which it doesn't look like they will, we run the risk of Pete finishing the weight gain phase early and going into a full-blown, albeit premature, hibernation.

Me: That sounds bad.

Doctor Willis: I mean, if they cancel the season outright it is probably a good and healthy thing that Pete is in a de-facto coma when the announcement is made. Quite frankly, considering the events of the last six years, experiencing such an event in real time could level him.

Me: So you're saying that it might actually be good if he goes into off-season mode early.

Doctor Willis: As Darius Soriano would say. "Yes and no". Like I said before, if Pete is totally out of it and they cancel the season then yes, this is a good thing. But if he enters his hibernation phase early and then the season suddenly resumes, the effects of an abrupt return to dissecting tape so close to the start of a potentially intense playoff run could be catastrophic.

Me: What might that look like?

Doctor Willis: Let me first remind everyone that we are in uncharted territory here. However, if the season isn't canceled and is instead resumed at some point in May or June, I see this going more or less only one of two ways. The first, and best case scenario of course, is one where LA goes on to win the title. Both lab results and history itself have proven that nothing brings a Zayas more joy than a Laker championship parade...even a pineapple pizza.

Me: And especially a championship that puts us even all-time with the Boston Celtics.

Doctor Willis: That's funny you mention the Celtics, because they are part of my worst case scenario.

Me: Yikes. I think I already see where this is going, but tell us anyway.

Doctor Willis; Put simply, if the season resumed and Boston went on to beat LA in the NBA Finals, I fear the resultant jarring to Pete's already weakened immune system would almost surely prove fatal.

Me: Ouch! That's a pretty grim prediction, doc. Dude has a family.

Doctor Willis: Sorry to be so blunt, but this is my specific field of study and I know what I'm talking about. Believe me when I say that, for someone like Pete, who is so inexorably connected to the ups and down of the Laker franchise, this hiatus will end up being either a perfect storm, or just a blip. Let's just hope that whenever things do get back underway LA wins the title, and then Pete will be okay.

Me: Thanks doc. I guess I feel more informed, if not exactly better.

Doctor Willis: My pleasure Chris. And one last thing...screw Anthony Irwin.

Wow, that was an interesting interview. That's all I have found out so far.

Of course my sources are all still hard at work, and something tells me I may have a detailed expose coming out in the next week or two on another SS&R personality. It is still in the rough stages, but early reports from my web of sources indicate it will most likely rewrite the history of intelligent civilization in this corner of the universe. (Or at a minimum will push back the release of my next novel a few more weeks, so there's that.)

Until then, thanks to Harrison for keeping the entertainment coming during the hiatus, lets offer a special prayer for Pete, may God bless us one and all, and most importantly, f*ck Anthony.