NFL Dad, Week 17: Good riddance to the Ravens, Seahawks, and 2017

On the final day of the year, one NFL fan tried to watch all of the RedZone action while parenting two toddlers.

It’s fitting that the NFL season came to a close on New Year’s Eve. After the Week 17 games, every team will start with a clean slate — either vying for the Lombardi Trophy in the playoffs, or taking stock of what went wrong and planning for 2018. Coaches will be fired, management restructured, free agents signed, hopes laid upon draftees. Injured players will return stronger than ever, and you’ll take this opportunity to improve yourself, too. Exercise more. Eat better. Work harder. A fresh start for all!

It’s a lie, of course. Unless a franchise has recently fired Jeff Fisher, a team will only take incremental steps forward or backward. Sure, there are exceptions: One or two teams will experience huge leaps in the win column thanks to turnover luck and positive results in close games, and those teams’ fans will be CERTAIN that it was the result of effort and superior coaching, and not the random providence of luck, destined to regress to the mean.

The truth is, the calendar is the only thing that’s changed. We can experience temporary improvements, but most of us are destined to regress to our personal means. And NFL teams are the same: Your team is unlikely to improve dramatically.

But the NFL monolith will scrape forward nonetheless. Your favorite players will get injured. People will complain about the refs. The Patriots will go 12-4. 2018 is the same hell as 2017, just fresher.

EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF

— It’s a tame early slate. Bears-Vikings, Jets-Pats, and Browns-Steelers are the only games with playoff implications, and that’s being generous. The (heavy) favorites in those games only have minor jockeying for bye weeks and top-two conference seeding. I’m saving most of my attention span for the late games.

— A common theme for many of the early games is the extreme cold hitting much of the country. Players wear extra layers, helmets shrink, and Jets quarterbacks live out the metaphors of their station in life.

— My wife and I rented a car to take our kids to my sister’s place for a couple days after Christmas, with a stop along the way to see old friends. And I’m not going to relive the entire journey, but I will offer one unpleasant travel snapshot: Experiencing carsickness from constantly torquing my neck and back around to fruitlessly attempt to soothe two toddlers completely unaccustomed to car travel as snarled traffic turned a 3.5-hour car trip into a 6.5-hour cry-a-thon.

The lesson I refuse to learn as a parent of young children: NEVER. GO. ANYWHERE.

— James Harrison is making his debut for the Patriots, and some Steelers fans are aghast. I don’t quite get the surprise. When Harrison was cut by the Steelers in 2013, he signed with the division rival Bengals. He also had a stint with the Ravens after being on the Steelers’ practice squad early in his career. This is James Harrison we’re talking about. He’s not a paragon of virtue loyal to the black and yellow; he’s a vindictive maniac who has dedicated his entire life to hitting people. Of COURSE he went to the Steelers’ biggest rival this year.

— Juju Smith-Schuster’s touchdown celebration gets an A for joyous creativity, and a D for snowball packing.

— It’s 2:15 p.m. ET and my son is awake at least 45 minutes earlier than my wife and I would like. He only ever takes 90-minute naps now. My daughter at his age would regularly sleep for three hours in the afternoon. Hell, she still sleeps longer in the afternoon than he does, and she’s twice his age. Sleep longer, you adorable goblin! You’re tired!

— The Bears score a touchdown on the famous fake where the punt returner feigns tracking the ball on one side of the field while a second player catches it on the other side of the field. Long live this explainer on why the play is so unstoppable.

— Dallas and Philadelphia are tied 0-0 at the half. Someone named Jeff Sudfeld is playing quarterback for the Eagles. Nick Foles is too valuable for the Eagles’ playoff run!

Last reminder of the year: (extremely long sigh) Any team in the NFL could have signed Colin Kaepernick on the cheap.

EARLY GAMES, SECOND HALF

— The Colts attempt a surprise onside kick, and there appears to be an end-of-year fire sale on trick plays. If I were a coach about to get fired, you can bet your ass I would throw every unused page in the playbook at an opponent in Week 17: Fake punts, surprise onside kicks, hook-and-laterals, Fumblerooskis — the trick plays would get the defense so on edge for the trick plays that they would get knocked over by power runs.

And then I would be fired.

— Much of what I do on a week-to-week basis has already been collected, with much more brevity, in this piece of service journalism: Every dumb thing that happened in NFL Week 17. (No bits about parenting there, though.)

— Eight minutes into the third quarter, the Giants and Washington are a combined 3 for 19 on third downs. It’s hard for me to express how much I’m enjoying not watching that game.

Instead, I’m watching these bad bartending videos:

There’s a whole series of those that are equally confounding, and they are either the stupidest videos on YouTube or the subtlest troll jobs I’ve ever seen.

As someone who’s been absorbing online culture as a job for more than a decade, it’s rare for me to find something like this inscrutable. Hundreds of dollars for a full bar, but no muddler? The totally incapable but somehow believable bartender? The pint glass of whiskey? This is a ruse, right? I refuse to be anyone’s mark.

— A fun new thing I have since the round-trip car voyage is a semi-permanent eye tic. Just a tiny little muscle spasm on my lower left eyelid that’s like, “Hey, remember that time you were trapped in a rolling box of stress for six hours? Twice?” Look for it on SB Nation’s YouTube channel in 2018.

— My wife leaves to walk the dog right as the early games wind down. Because we’re keeping our children out of the Arctic blast, I stay back with both kids. My son immediately grabs the iPad off the table and shoves his face into it.

“I want Elsa,” my daughter says, so I play “Let It Go” on Spotify and pull up an image of Elsa for her to look at while the song plays. Frozen is the next horizon for us after Moana. I’m fine with this eventuality, but Moana definitely has the superior story and soundtrack. The important thing is that they’re both better than the 50 years of Disney princess movies that came before. GAHHHH WHY DO I SPEND SO MUCH TIME THINKING ABOUT DISNEY CARTOONS?

— The Browns, despite their best effort against the Steelers’ B-team, finish their season 0-16. Congratulations?

— Because all nine (!!!) late games start at 4:25 p.m. ET, RedZone’s Scott Hanson must deal with an action-less lull that’s unusual for so early in the day. It’s 4:15 and RedZone is running highlights, snippets of press conferences, and fantasy updates. And come on: I know the segment is sponsored, no self-respecting fantasy league is active in Week 17. Much like Le’Veon Bell.

LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF

— GAME TIME. My focus today is Panthers-Falcons, Saints-Bucs, and Cardinals-Seahawks. I want the Seahawks to win to stay alive for a playoff spot, and I need the Panthers to be motivated to beat the Falcons, which means I need Tampa Bay to give the Saints a fight, which means the Seahawks are probably going to miss the playoffs. Which, frankly, is probably better than getting blown out by the Rams or Saints on Wild Card Weekend. Everything is meaningless, by the way.

— Ah crap, Arizona opens the game with a touchdown. Drew Stanton escapes Michael Bennett on what could have been a 15-yard sack, buying enough time to throw a TD pass instead. I am going to hate today.

Tyler Lockett returns the ensuing kickoff for a touchdown to tie the game. I am already closing off all emotion to deal with whatever happens for the next three hours.

— In Tampa, the Bucs score game-opening TD. Yay! But then Alvin Kamara returns the ensuing kickoff for a TD. I NEED EVERYONE TO SETTLE DOWN, PLEASE.

— The kids are at the dinner table, alternately painting with watercolors and screaming. My son, whose relentless teething continues, takes a sip of water from the cup he’d been dipping his paintbrush in. My daughter, who has recovered from a double ear infection over Christmas only to get ANOTHER ear infection, has a Moana-themed coloring book. I read her the plot point that goes with each picture as another Panthers drive stalls. COME ON, CAM.

— The Niners are dominating early and up 10-0, but a Jimmy Garoppolo INT sets the Rams up in the red zone. However, the Niners D holds firm, and the Rams are forced to kick a field goal.

— Oh, hello there, AFC. I understand there are some stakes in your conference today, too, hmmm? In Los Angeles, where the Chargers need a win and some help to secure a playoff spot, Melvin Gordon fumbles, but Keenan Allen scoops up the fumble for an awesome TD.

My feelings on the four AFC teams vying for two Wild Card spots, ranked by preference:

1. Chargers. I know they deserve nothing but misery for leaving San Diego, but this team is genuinely fun to watch. Philip Rivers has been incredible this year, and Keenan Allen has stayed healthy! Melvin Gordon is great and likable! The defense has the kind of scary pass rush that can enable a deep playoff run (read: can knock Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger on their asses).
2. Bills. I hate tables.
3. Titans. This is one of the least inspiring winning teams I’ve seen in a long time, which is what it’s been since RedZone last clicked over to the Seattle game. Who has ever looked at the AFC South and said, “Yes, this division needs TWO playoff teams.”
4. Ravens. I strenuously object to Joe Flacco’s existence. If the Ravens offense touches your field, the earth there will be fallow for seven years.

— My kids, still sitting at the table, dance to “Twist and Shout” like two little Elaine Beneses, a brief moment of cheer before the Cardinals punch in another touchdown to take a 17-7 lead over the Seahawks. But the dancing! It’s so herky-jerky and devoid of coordination — like Seattle’s offensive line, but happy.

— What was I saying about the Chargers’ fearsome defense? On third-and-22, Derek Carr unloads a bomb to Amari Cooper for an 87-yard touchdown.

My wife tells my daughter that the Raiders are Uncle Sean’s favorite team. “Can you say the Raiders?” she asks.

Daughter: “The Raid-ahhhhhs.” Chris Berman’s tics are much better when they’re done by toddlers.

— I get a text from Steven Godfrey, SB Nation’s excellent college football reporter who is also doomed to an existence of Falcons fandom. It is to me and Brian Floyd, our managing editor who is also a Seahawks fan: “Please God take this wildcard spot.”

Floyd and I both reject any desire to see these Seahawks in the playoffs. It feels good to own the feeling, to want a different team in a new season instead of watching this one for another week.

— Here is the first RedZone play featuring the Ravens offense that I see: Joe Flacco throws a 1-yard crossing route to a running back, who drops the ball. A graphic pops up that says it is the Ravens’ fifth dropped pass of the day. Put this offense in a rocket and fire it into the deepest reaches of space.

— Philip Rivers throws another deep bomb for a touchdown. God, this team belongs in the playoffs, and they’re not going to make it because the first quarter of their season was a grotesque monkey’s paw retribution inflicted by the San Diego city council.

— The Saints attempt a fake field goal, the Bucs don’t fall for it, and Wil Lutz gets CRUSHED. If you ask me, there are simply not enough punters getting blown up by defenders in today’s NFL. (Miss you, Sean Taylor.)

— A big hit in the Ufford household these days is the Daddy Monster. I become my alter ego, roar, and chase my son into the corner where I tickle him and pretend to eat him. “OM NOM NOM!” I say.

He stands up and says, “Naan naan naan!” in his little voice. I feign terror and let him chase me. I hope you didn’t take what I said about the car ride and the eye tic too seriously, because parenting is great.

— Breaking news: The Colts have fired Chuck Pagano. So we’re doing away with Black Monday now? Just getting it out of the way on Sunday?

— I change my son’s poopy diaper. But don’t think of it as poop! It’s more like his butt threw up.

— Flacco watch:

— HALFTIME SCORES:

• The Seahawks trail at home 20-7, their only score a kickoff return TD. Burn this season to the ground.
• Chargers lead the Raiders 20-10 despite having a FG and PAT blocked. Very on-brand.
• Carolina and Atlanta are tied 7-7.
• Buffalo leads Miami 10-0. David Fales has replaced Jay Cutler, who is riding a jet ski pantsless to the nearest bank with a boat-thru teller to cash his game check. I am gonna miss that guy so much.
• Only a missed extra point is keeping the Bucs from being even with the Saints. New Orleans leads 14-13. Get inspired, Carolina!
• Titans 12, Jags 3. Jacksonville trails because its defensive and special teams units have struggled to score touchdowns.
• 49ers 20, Rams 6. If anything, this score is flattering for the Rams. San Fran-Clara will be a chic pick to win the NFC West next year.
• An 85(ish)-yard kickoff return with seconds left in the half gifts Baltimore with a touchdown that cuts the Cincinnati lead to 17-10. C’mon, Bengals, don’t Bengal this one.

LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF

— I make a vow to myself: The Seahawks have one possession, the first of the half, to keep me interested in the result of their game, and even then ... BARELY. Naturally, the run game comes to life, Russell Wilson connects on a pass, and this appears to be a crude approximation of a drive.

— Shady McCoy is carted off. Screw this season.

— I help with the end of the kids’ bath time. My son, who hates getting out of the bath, sits in tub as the water empties. “Fee-oh,” he says, for frio, because my children are dual-language geniuses. I let him chill there while I peek at the TV; I’m just in time to see Doug Baldwin score a touchdown that narrows the score to 20-14.

The next drive — at least, the next drive I catch a glimpse of — Shaquill Griffin intercepts a Drew Stanton overthrow, and I now feel confident that the Seahawks can get a comeback victory, only for the Falcons to lock down the last playoff spot with a win. (With the Panthers trailing 10-7, Cam Newton promptly throws a terrible interception.)

— The Saints have been a little shaky for the last month of the season, but I could definitely endorse Alvin Kamara destroying the entire playoff field. Look at him make a contested catch downfield:

That drive ends in a field goal, and the Saints lead 17-13.

— Ravens WR Chris Moore bobbles a red-zone pass, which is intercepted and returned for a touchdown. The Bengals lead 24-10, and I am HERE for the season implosion.

— The Bucs force a fumble on a punt return and return it for a touchdown! The used coffee grounds of the NFC South are ahead of the division leaders, 20-14.

— With the Seahawks trailing 23-14, they definitely could use a field goal to make it a one-score game. Instead:

— With the Tennessee leading 15-3 in the fourth quarter, all the Titans have to do is bleed clock and let Blake Bortles throw it to their defense. Instead, Marcus Mariota and Derrick Henry collide on a handoff, and the Jaguars return the fumble for a touchdown.

I just checked, and the Jaguars have seven defensive touchdowns this year. That’s a lot, but I could have sworn it was more. Like, if you told me that Bortles had thrown as many touchdowns as the defense scored, I would have believed you. But Bortles had 21 passing TDs (to 13 picks); the NFL works in mysterious ways.

— I pause RedZone to put the kids to bed. I read my son Good Night Moon because he freaking LOVES seeing the moon. “MOON! MOON! MOON!” every time there’s a moon on the page of a book. As I read the last page — “Good night noises everywhere” — he puts his finger to his lips and says, “Shhhh.”

I offer him a choice of second books but he holds up Good Night Moon again. So I read it a second time, but with four pages to go, he shuts the book and says, “All done!” Oh, I’m sorry. Did you perhaps already know how it ends?

— Twenty minutes later, the kids are in bed and I’m back in front of the TV, but I don’t have the energy or desire to watch everything I missed, so I just skip to live TV. The biggest news is that the Panthers have farted their way around the second half to lose to the Falcons by two scores, rendering the Seahawks game pointless. Or more pointless than usual, at least.

And the Panthers should be kicking themselves over that performance: With nine seconds remaining in Tampa, the Bucs score a go-ahead touchdown that gives them a meaningless win and leads to a super-awkward unfriendly never-ending handshake between Sean Payton and Dirk Koetter. The Panthers will go on the road to face the Saints instead of hosting them next weekend.

— The Titans lock up a playoff spot with their win over the Jaguars. When it comes to the other wild card spot, the Bills win, but they need help from the Bengals, who have lost their lead in Baltimore. Ravens ahead 27-24.

— Oh, the Seahawks lost, too. Blair Walsh missing a 48-yarder to lose a game that couldn’t save their season is the perfect ending to this campaign. (I may have been miserable watching the Seahawks this season, but they were also an effective kicker away from being 12-4.)

— The last game of the RedZone season is Bengals-Ravens, and my remaining hopes and dreams rest on ... an Andy Dalton drive? Oh Jesus, where’s the liquor?

— On fourth-and-12 near midfield, the Bengals’ season is about to sputter and die, and I’m beginning to accept the Ravens beating Kansas City when DALTON COMPLETES THE PASS! TYLER BOYD SLIPS A TACKLE AND GETS TO THE END ZONE!!!

YEAAAAAGGGHHHHH I COULD LIFT A VOLKSWAGEN OVER MY HEAD RIGHT NOW

— With a chance to respond, Joe Flacco quickly leads the Ravens to zero first downs and fourth-and-14, at which point he completes a pass 8 yards short of the first-down marker. GOOD RIDDANCE, GARBAGE BIRDS.*

And good riddance, 2017. Here’s to marginal improvements in 2018.

*insult also applicable to the author’s team of choice