Yes, I want to hear everything about your fantasy football team

Go on. I’m all ears.

I want to know everything about your fantasy team. I want you to tell me about all of your picks. I want to know who you almost drafted. I want to know about your sleeper pick. I want to know who your quarterback is. I want to know how long your draft took. I want to know why Jim almost got kicked out of your league. I want to know why you’re happy you’re playing Terrence this week.

I want you to tell me who is on their bye week. I want you to tell me about a player’s injury and how that hurts your fantasy team. Tell me about your handcuff running backs. Is your league PPR? Shove all the words you can think of down my throat about how close your matchup was last week. Don’t talk to me about anything else besides your fantasy team.

When I’m sleeping, wake me up. I want to hear everything. If I’m in a meeting, drag me out. It’s time to hear about your fantasy team. If I’m in the bathroom, go right ahead and come in to talk to me about your fantasy team. When I’m drunk at the club, take me outside so I can clearly hear about your fantasy team.

Let’s just get married so I can hear everything about your team before I go to sleep and right when I wake up. I can't wait to tell our kids about your 2017 season.

Talk to me about Kareem Hunt until my ears start bleeding. I want to be SO nauseous because you’ve talked to me about your team so much. Where are you on the waiver wire; please enlighten me? HOW MANY POINTS DO YOU NEED ON MONDAY NIGHT? SHOUT IT AT MY FACE HOLE. TELL ME RIGHT NOW. RIIIIGHT NOW.

Me? Of course, I’d love to help make your weekly decisions!

Thank you. Thank you for sharing your fantasy team with me.

What'd you say your password was again?