Red Flags in a Belaytionship: 8 Signs You Need a New Partner

Most of us climb because it’s fun. If you’re climbing with a bad partner, that fun factor quickly diminishes or disappears. This is especially true if you feel unsafe. Whether they climb recklessly, don’t respect your judgement, or are more annoying than a hopelessly stuck nut, it may be time to break up the belaytionship.

Keep in mind that it’s never too late to decide it’s time to leave a climbing partner behind. Even if you’ve been climbing with someone for years, or if your partner happens to be your significant other or mentor, don’t be deterred from moving on if you don’t feel comfortable climbing with them anymore.

Climbing Partner Red Flags

1. Your climbing partner uses sketchy equipment—or uses equipment in a sketchy way.

Is there a clear core shot in their rope? Have you rolled up to the anchor with not a locker in sight? Do they scoff when you ask them to do a pre-climb partner check? Are their carabiners so worn that you could probably cut the rope with them?

First, try pointing out the gear issue you perceive. Perhaps they have some acceptable explanation you didn’t think of—or they simply didn’t realize there was an issue. If they are receptive to your gear critiques, turn it into a teachable moment so you can both climb more safely. But if they get defensive, brush off your concerns, or show up to the crag again next time with the same sketchy gear or usage patterns, then you might want to bail on the belaytionship.

Word to the wise: If their gear, knots, anchors, or belay device truly make you uncomfortable, end the climbing session.

2. They ignore your requests when you’re on belay.

It’s one thing to dish out a little encouragement or tough love when belaying someone who asks to come down. It’s another for your belayer to continuously push back on your commands as a climber. Maybe they mock you when you say “take,” refuse to keep it tight, or prod you up in an insensitive way when you ask to come down. If your belayer repeatedly disregards your commands when you’re climbing, you’re better off getting a catch from someone who listens to you and respects you.

3. When they’re belaying you, they’re not paying attention.

There’s nothing more annoying than calling down a command to your belayer only to find them staring off into the distance, chatting up the climbers next to them, or eating a sandwich. Good belayers pay attention. Great belayers treat the act of belaying like an actual job—not a distraction between their own send burns.

Signs that your belayer is paying attention? When you ask them to do something, they respond immediately. When you look down at them, they’re looking up at you. They rarely short-rope you on lead, they keep it tight on toprope, and they give a soft catch. Another unmistakable mark of an attentive belayer? Belay glasses.

4. They intentionally sandbag you—or themselves.

Has your climbing partner tried to pressure you to lead something above your comfort level or hop on an R-rated climb that you clearly weren’t ready for? Have they lied to you about the character of a route? If they think sandbagging you by omitting details or lying will help you improve—or worse, do this as a sort of twisted joke or hazing ritual—it’s time to say “catch you later” (literally).

(Note: This may have been the way of some mentors of yore. If you live in pursuit of a hard knock life on rock, then submit to the hazing and sandbagging all you want. But if it’s not your thing and your climbing partner habitually pushes you to the point of tears, find a more modern mentor.)

On the flip side, if your partner routinely offers to rope gun routes they have no business leading, you may start to feel unsafe as the belayer—especially if they outweigh you. If they take gruesome whips as often as they top out, and often have to bail mid-pitch leaving booty behind, it may be time to find a more level-headed partner.

5. They are a serial beta sprayer.

Some of us want the full beta spraydown. Others want to find their own way, even when they start struggling. If you’ve told your partner that you don’t want their beta, but they keep hollering up about your bad left foot or the jug you’re missing at three o’clock, say sayonara to the sprayer. Of course, give them a few chances. Maybe they didn’t hear you the first time. Remind them about your beta preferences, especially right before you climb. But if they keep at it, keep them out of your climbing life.

6. They did something that made you distrust them.

Did they almost lose control of the rope while lowering you? Did you notice that they often momentarily remove their hand from the brake strand while belaying you? Mid-climb, did they hook up their Grigri to a ground anchor so they could go get a beer from their truck without notice? (True story.) Trust serves as the foundation of every good belaytionship. And the moment you lose it, it’s hard to regain. If you no longer have trust in your partner’s skillset or judgement, stop climbing with them.

7. Decision-making feels like a one-way street, especially when it comes to risk tolerance.

All decisions in climbing should be consensual or at least negotiated from even playing fields. From where you’re climbing that day, to the routes you hop on, to who will take which pitch, to whether you’ll rappel or walk off, it’s important to talk over decisions together.

So how can you tell if your partner isn’t engaging in mutual decision-making? They pose rhetorical questions. Rather than proposing a plan, they inform you of it. And when you offer input or ask questions, they push back or try to convince you otherwise. Never let a partner exclude you from decision-making or pressure you into climbing decisions you’re not comfortable with.

8. They offer unsolicited critique, talk shit about your climbing, or make fun of you even after you’ve made it clear you’re not into it.

Every climber and belaytionship dynamic is different. If you’re climbing with a mentor or coach, you’re probably in the market for some constructive feedback. If you’re a shit talker, maybe you don’t mind being on the other end of a less-than-constructive observation. And if you’re a member of the r/climbingcirclejerk subreddit, then there’s a good chance you’re okay with being the butt in that intentionally unflattering butt shot—or the butt of your belayer’s joke. But if you continue to remain on the receiving end of these digs even after you’ve made it clear that you’re over it, give your partner notice and peace.

Note: If you’re scared to end a climbing partnership because of threats or pressure from your partner, please reach out for help. Your partner should never make you feel like leaving them will create negative consequences for you. Start by telling a friend or family member, or check out the resources at the new organization Never Solo, which is committed to preventing sexual abuse issues in the climbing community. 

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