10 Reasons Why You Should Only Date Climbers

Back before climbing went mainstream (Olympics, gyms, Hollywood documentaries, Jared Leto, yippee!), we climbers were known for our social awkwardness and unapologetic penury. The community was an eclectic mix of rule-following problem-solvers (e.g., mathematicians and engineers) and barely functioning societal dropouts who survived on peanut butter and ramen while sleeping in caves, stripped-down cargo vans, or passenger cars with plywood “box springs” in lieu of seats.

So perhaps a good joke, playing off the classic riff about engineers, might have been:

Q: How do you know when a climber likes you?

A: She stares at your rock shoes instead of her own when she’s talking to you.

With such an oddball crew, there were (and remain) plenty of reasons not to date climbers. Yet the good news—I guess?—with the sport’s recent boom is that there are more of us than ever, expanding the pool of eligible single climbers.

This also means that there are now at least 10 reasons why dating a climber might possibly be a good idea.

1. Climbers are low-lost/low-maintenance

Climbers have traditionally been nonmaterialistic; the thinking was that we’d rather be poor and have the free time to climb than labor away earning enough cheddar to slurp consommé alongside tiny-fork bluebloods at some Michelin-starred snob-hole. On the one hand, this is great news. Our low-overhead minimalism makes us cheap dates. Want to stage a “romantic” “picnic” with a moldy loaf of French bread, spray-can cheese, and gooey tomatoes harvested from a dumpster  (“it’s caprese!”) while watching pirated Netflix on a phone using the free Wi-Fi in the McDonald’s parking lot? We’re all-in—and easily impressed—as long as it doesn’t overlap with good condies.

The con? Any money we do have—or that we siphon off you—usually goes right back into the sport: These days, most climbers easily drop a few thousand bucks a year on gym memberships, shoes, chalk, pants, cams, ropes, pads, fingerboards, fans, travel, and skin care.

2. We like to travel (to rocks)

Another thing traditionally associated with climbers: wanderlust. And since travel is the glue that binds many a relationship, we’re a catch. The only caveat is that there needs to be rock (or a gym) at our destination or we go full “Torrance,” like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. For instance, if you told me I had a once-in-a-lifetime, all-expenses-paid trip to Fiji, where I’d be taught surfing by Laird Hamilton, my first question would be, “Is there any rock in Fiji?” And my second would be, “Or at least a doorjamb in the bungalow for my hangboard?”

As a further example: years ago, after a month of Eurail touristing around Europe, I landed on the Greek isle of Paros (where the Euros gaily tan and windsurf during their August holidays). At that point, I was so hard up to touch rock that I did pointless traverses in a crumbly beachside cave right where everyone takes a dump… in the 100-degree heat. Talk about a “shitty” landing—and a near-psychotic desperation to clamber.

3. We’re fit

Climbers must be some of the most training-obsessed athletes around, even at the amateur level where literally nothing is at stake. Witness the endless training ateliers, podcasts, apps and tools, and our obsession with 9c challenges, etc. We end up with toned, attractive, eminently datable physiques, even if all we’re doing is eking out sad, expensive, barely noticeable one-percent gains after months of self-flagellation. The downside: We are so rigid about our workouts that we do weird things like fingerboard while riding as passengers in cars, or even “car-king”: ARC endurance training by squeezing a grip ring while driving.

4. We know how to do proper pullups

Unlike CrossFitters, whose half-assed “pull-ups” make them look like fish death-flopping in a dinghy (see video below) and will never get them stronger, our proper pull-ups rizz us up with sexy, well-defined shoulders and backs (see reason No. 3).

Also, I may be biased (I probably am), but I feel like our sport is smarter than CrossFit: We need to execute complex, choreographed beta under the pressure and duress of facing a fall, whereas all CrossFitters need to do is figure out how to roll a tractor tire around an office-industrial parking lot without getting rhabdo.

5. We’re good at communicating

At least on a rope, since we need to be clear with our belay commands in a life-or-death situation. How well we express our needs off the rock will vary. Everyone’s different! Plus we tend to forget that the non-climbing public won’t always understand our lingo. So if your climber boo says, “My feelings for you are deeper than the anchor jug on Silence,” they love you. But if they say, “Hanging out with you is worse than a front-team double split on a greasy Bishop afternoon,” they hate your stupid face.

6. We’re really into skin care

Other than models, actors, and perfectly complected skinfluencers, climbers might be nerdier about skin care than anyone on Earth. If you date a climber, you’ll never need to buy balm, salve, lotion, ointment, emery boards, nail files, tape, Band-Aids, or nail clippers again. We have all that stuff stashed in multiple spots—medicine cabinet, cragging pack, gym pack, and cars. It’s not all designed for making your face radiant and free of age lines, but you will most definitely have the best finger and palm skin in town.

7. You’ll be plugged into an instant community

Just as game recognizes game, climbers recognize climbers, usually from our apparel, veiny forearms, and chalky, arthritic hands. In this way, we tend to bond quickly, forming communities and networks both large and small. So if you pair up with a climber, you will be plugged in to a big family, which is great if you are a social person, but perhaps not so great if you’d rather not see your guest room turned into a hostel for a rotating cast of aromatic vagabonds who range from lost skatepunk bouldering kids, to dreadlocked Germans chain-smoking Drum cigarettes, to penny-pinching bro-grammers soaking up all your Wi-Fi while they work on rest days.

8. We’re youthful and free-spirited

Climbers are often accused of hiding from real life by being out at the rock all day, which is 100 percent true. But this carefree lifestyle also keeps us young at heart and fun to be around. Thus, while some might call us immature, I prefer to think of climbers as youthful. 

Take it from me. At age 53, I can spend all day bolting choss, stop in at the gym to train, come home and pop in a frozen pizza and wash off some baby carrots for the kids like the “World’s Greatest Dad” that I am. Then trade wiener, butt, and fart jokes with my boys at the dinner table much to my wife’s chagrin. And still wake up the next morning with enough energy to put in a two-hour workday and then MoonBoard. I mean, if I were single, I’d be a major catch!

9. We always know the weather

No one is as obsessed with the weather as rock climbers, who schedule our lives around when it’s ideal to climb. Condies are king, and we stay up to date—via multiple apps and websites—at least a week out on the weather, including wind, humidity, chances of precipitation, etc. So, if you never want to have to check the forecast again, date a climber.

10. Lots of us are secret trust-funders

Despite our mythologization of the “dirtbag” lifestyle and our apparent poverty (worn, soiled clothing; blown-out rock shoes; guerilla camping; etc.), many of us are actually secret trust-funders. I mean, how else do you think that buddy of yours who never works somehow manages to spend three months a year in Spain and three months at Rocklands while also basing out of a high-end condo in an expensive mountain town and shopping exclusively at Whole Foods? It’s because he has a secret income he might be ashamed to talk about, e.g., a trust fund. If you play your cards right, you, too, can share in that bounty, trading the stress and tedium of work for the delicious apathy of… “not work.”

Matt Samet is a freelance writer and editor based in Boulder, Colorado. He is the author of the Climbing Dictionary and the memoir Death Grip. 

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