Theater Crowds Overpower National Guard As Military Deployed to Quell Minecraft Movie Chaos
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BY Hard Drive Staff ON April 17, 2025The second American Revolution has been incited by none other than Warner Bros’ Pictures Minecraft movie. Somehow, in some way, a capitalistic corporate cash grab has inspired an uprising of the proletariat against the ruling class. Scores of theatergoers across the country have violently overwhelmed police blockades, SWAT teams, and entire precincts, prompting the federal government to enact martial law and mobilize the National Guard on U.S. soil.“People are saying flint and steel, flint and steel. I’m all for more flint and steel being mined here, but these radical Marxist Minecrafters want to ramp it up to flintlock and gunpowder,” President Trump remarked in a White House press conference. “They probably worship Jack Black, Jack Hack’s what I call him, because he’s got a big bushy beard like Karl’s. We can’t let this get too carried away, folks! Otherwise, I’ll have to impose a 1025% tariff on box offices. We love figures ending in odd numbers,...