Highlights and results: The Best and The Wildest of Redneck Brawl 8
Love! Betrayal! Triumph! Heartbreak! Violence! Toplessness both in and out of the ring! All the wildest action from Redneck Brawl 8!
Any actual Christmas gifts or celebrations can only disappoint now, as the holiday season hit its absolute peak with a rambunctious and ribald showcase on Redneck Brawl 8: Rednecks Get Wild. Breasts were flashed, mats were twerked, drunk idiots beat the hell out of each other in the crowd, and 52 (presumably) not-drunk warriors fought 26 in-ring fights to give us the most action-packed top-to-bottom event of the series.
We lost our scheduled main event, but the planned co-feature between USA Saiyan and Seckond Chaynce didn’t disappoint as a replacement, delivering outstanding back-and-forth action with a level of skill above and beyond the usual Redneck Brawl matchup.
Both men had an argument, but Seckond Chaynce fought a more tightly guarded, defensively disciplined style, which made sense given his Muay Thai background. Instead, it was the aggressive, agile attack of USA Saiyan that won over the judges and the crowd. Only Saiyan gets the $500 winner’s purse, but both men will be a welcome sight should they return for future Brawls.
In the de facto co-feature, Tennessee Cornbread came back from a punishing start that saw him bulldozed around the ring by 400+ lbs. Big Daddy T and violently ensnared in the ropes. Cornbread rallied to take a 1st round that started very poorly for him, forcing a standing eight count before the bell. Then he punished Big Daddy T in the 2nd, pushing Big Daddy T to spit the mouthpiece to buy time, and suffering a point deduction for the attempt.
Cornbread forced another mouthpiece malfunction in the 3rd, leading the referee to wave off the fight and give Cornbread the TKO victory over a game but exhausted Big Daddy T. The victory sets up a potential fireworks show between Tennessee Cornbread and Redneck Brawl boogeyman Georgia Outlaw.
Best Redemption Story:
Taylor from the Trailer entered tonight’s Brawl on an awful reverse-Undertaker streak, having gone 0-4 in previous Redneck Brawl appearances. He’s lost tough decisions, he’s gotten obliterated in 1st round knockouts, but he’s never won a single fight on the show.
Until tonight.
Taylor came out hard — Maybe too hard, as he earned a warning for shoving his opponent into the corner and punching him in the back of the neck. But, that tenacity may have demoralized tonight’s foe, a self-proclaimed moonshiner and federal convict who once pled guilty to charges of making terroristic threats to bomb a school. It was Taylor that delivered the bombs tonight, though, as his opponent resigned from the fight between rounds and handed Taylor a sweet TKO victory.
Best new addition:
It’s always risky adding a new character to a successful show. There are a lot of Scrappy Doo and Cousin Oliver disasters that prove the point, and very few positive examples on the other side of the ledger.
So, I’ll admit that I was skeptical when Redneck Brawl decided to add a new man on the mic in comedian Billy Hubbard. But, Hubbard did quality work, taking a secondary role, adding to the show without stepping on anything that worked before his arrival, and bringing new humor to the presentation in a way that didn’t copy the legacy commentators but also didn’t deviate from the comfortable tone and style that define the Brawls.
You can’t just take any random guy who thinks he’s got jokes and throw him on the microphone to positive results. We got several examples of that during the night as guest commentators stepped in for hosts who briefly left the broadcast table. But, Hubbard brought a fun new angle to the show, and he’ll be a welcome sight if he returns in the future.
Best Cincinnati Moment:
Redneck Brawls in Cincy are a hotbed for fights in the crowd. Brawl #5 had at least four altercations that led to police involvement and ejections, one of which involved a guy who wound up fighting on the card tonight as “Albino Gorilla.” Tonight’s encores only solidified a reputation for entertaining spectator violence whenever Redneck Brawl visits Ohio’s 3rd finest non-Whirlyball city.
The best was an absolute melee that resulted in a knockout punch, a shirt torn off, and what looked like a police officer catching a stray shot or two. Never change, Cincinnati... Dayton can’t do what you do.
Most Romantic Moment:
Redneck Brawl isn’t just about fighting... It’s about family. It’s about bringing people together. And, ultimately, it’s about love.
Tonight, a guy named Carl(?) took a knee in a puddle of sweat and spit, and asked a lovely woman to spend the rest of her life with him. And she said yes!
Someday, these beautiful people will hear their kids ask: “Mommy, how did Daddy propose?” And Mommy will say: “He put on a sequined red coat and pulled me into the ring of a novelty boxing event under false pretenses. Then, between the Meth Mountain Maniac decision victory and the Johnny 2 Hard 1st round KO, the crowd briefly stopped fighting among themselves long enough for him to ask if I’d be his wife.”
It’s a fairy tale story, and anyone in the house that wasn’t too drunk to remember seeing it will never forget bearing witness to a union of true love. When I asked my wife afterwards if she regrets we couldn’t have done it first, because we were married years before Redneck Brawl became a thing? She said that if she’d known back then I’d ever become the sort of person that watched a Redneck Brawl, we probably wouldn’t have had another date. She said that every time I cover one of these shows, she sits in our bedroom with the door closed, watching anything that will drown out the noise and questioning all the life choices that led her to this point.
But, even my cold-hearted, Redneck Brawl-hating wife isn’t the least romantic person involved in this story...
Least Romantic Moment:
Presented without further commentary: These guys presumably paid actual, spendable American dollars to have this vinyl sign printed... and then waved it around during a fight between two men. You won’t see any ladies among them, and I strongly doubt any were enticed over by their lusty signage.
Best Dressed (Part 1):
Wild Woody was not one for the usual sweatpants, cargo shorts, and assorted casual sub-equatorial coverings. The man showed up in actual boxing trunks with his nickname printed on the waistband!
He was dressed for success... But didn’t succeed, losing a decision to Meth Mountain Maniac, also seen above in Daisy Dukes. At least Wild Woody looked good!
Word Dressed (Part 1):
Meth Mountain Maniac wasn’t the only guy to bust out the John Stockton-length cutoff blue jean shorts. Real Ragnar also wore a pair while fighting his way to a quick knockout victory over Jake Oblivion.
Gentlemen... Leave the high-cut jean shorts to the Catherine Bachs of the world. You may have won your fights, but you lost the fashion war.
Best Dressed (Part 2):
The early stages of the card gave us an absolute slobber-knocker between a monstrous force of violence in FABU and her granite-chinned opponent Tahoe. FABU, a self-proclaimed “proud 6’1” and 290 lbs.,” made the wildly unorthodox choice to fight in torn fishnets and suspenders. Not anything I’ve ever seen before, but damned if she didn’t make it work for her. It was a bold fashion move that paid off.
Worst Dressed (Part 2):
We have seen on multiple occasions that even a great Redneck Brawler can get derailed by the wrong choice of footwear. So, when Bluegrass Badazz came out to fight in slide-on soft fabric shoes, it seemed like defeat was inevitable. And, so it was, as he lost a decision to Bridgetown Bruiser that might have swung the other way if Badazz could have planted his feet or pushed off with more force behind his punches.
Future Redneck Brawlers: You absolutely must not try to fight in the male equivalent of ballerina flats. You’re going to have an awful time if you do.
Best Sales Pitch for Redneck Brawl 9:
Country Boot Gang, a 6’9” 145 lbs. fan favorite/popsicle stick doll who successfully wished to become a real boy, atomized his opponent in five seconds around the midway point of the show.
Later, even bigger fan favorite and former main eventer Lil Smokey, described by guest commentary as “[a] dude [who] can fight, but he’s a few chromosomes short,” and “the dog everybody’s abused that just wants to bite everybody,” notched a 2nd round TKO to earn what our hosts identified as his 5th straight Redneck Brawl victory.
Afterwards, Lil Smokey took the mic to crow about his triumph, and call out his desired next opponent: Country Boot Gang. The two met in the ring and fired increasingly heated barbs back and forth as the first stage of an inevitable showdown, presumably on the next show in February or March.
Can Lil Smokey, all 116 lbs. of him, find any level of success against a man a foot taller, at least 30 pounds heavier, who once played center for a junior college basketball team? I have no idea. But, I can’t wait to see him try, and I am absolutely certain that these two will make the preamble to Redneck Brawl 9 a hilarious and thrilling ride.
This was probably the best Redneck Brawl yet in terms of in-ring action... But, much like pro wrestling, half or more of the fun is in the buildup. Without a showcase main event like Catfish Cooley vs Playboy or Lil Smokey vs Macho Man to hang the promotion on, something essential just wasn’t quite there this time around.
Now, with these two seemingly earmarked for a main event showdown? We were off to a great start before tonight’s show was even over. As Lil Smokey would say: “LET’S F—KIN’ GOOOOOO!”
Until next time, make sure you catch up on our live coverage for all the wild and crazy action that couldn’t fit into this recap.
Here’s your full rundown of tonight’s results, with winners listed in bold, and all victories by decision unless otherwise specified:
- Quentin “Trailer Park Brawler” Conley vs Dayton “Sweet the Freak” Sweet
- Jacob “Indiana Lumberjack” Barkley vs Darien “Bauer Power” Bauer
- Kierra “Tahoe” Miller vs Brooke “FABU” Tackette
- Matt “Ohio Grizzly” Sipe vs Jessie “Angry Mechanic” Foster (KO-2)
- Jake “Sexy Country” Ambrose (TKO-3) vs Connor “Albino Gorilla” Jones
- Troy “Bridgetown Bruiser” Scholl vs Tyler “Bluegrass Badazz” Wolford
- Justin “King of Horror” Jones vs Jacob “Lil Fire” Campbell
- Charley “The Maniac” Holt vs Dalton “Texas Red” Lucien
- Sierra “Hollywood Knuckles” Boone vs Denim “Buckshot” Burke (TKO-1)
- Logan “Wild Woody” Woody vs Joby “Meth Mountain Maniac” Giles
- John “Johnny 2 Hard” Hard (KO-1) vs Rodney “Gallo Blanko” Harrington
- Stephen “Scuba Steve” Hoffman vs Stephen “Country Boot Gang” Sings (KO-1)
- Ricky “Notorious Pretty Ricky” Fooce vs Kieran “Texas McNasty” Goodnight
- Austin “Drummer Kelz” Kelly (KO-2) vs Steve “Took Quick” Sayers
- Andrew “Real Ragnar” Cranston (KO-1) vs Austin “Jake Oblivion” Blankenship
- Lucas “Cincinnati Crawdaddy” Claymon vs Mike “Indiana Donkey Punch” Disbro
- William “Kreek Chub” McCalister vs Taylor “Taylor from the Trailer” Mounts (TKO-3)
- Tiffany “Conspiracy Smokeshow” Baxter vs Tristina “Straight Pain” Baril
- Jake “Jake the Snake” Combs vs Dakota “Kentucky Playboy” Noble
- Brandon “Hoodbilly” Gibbs vs Jayson “The Skunk” Schunk (TKO-2)
- Dylon “D-Nasty” Scott vs Kohl “White Lightning” Witter (TKO-2)
- Tyler “Playboy” Holmes vs Austin “The Irishman” Carey (KO-2)
- Ethan “Big Tobacco” Wendel vs Jimmy “Lil Smokey” Campbell (TKO-2)
- Bryanna “Nattyville Bratt” Pinson vs Cheyenne “Sheen Green” Green
- Anthony “Tennessee Cornbread” Jones (TKO-3) vs Tyler “Big Daddy T” Campbell
- Trevor “Seckond Chaynce” Thomas vs Brendan “USA Saiyan” Kelly